


Sam & Max Presents: Mayhem In Musutafu City!

by Zelkova48



Category: Sam & Max, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Adventure, Crossover, Freelance Police, Gen, Humor, Mayhem in Musutafu City, My Hero Academia - Freeform, Sam & Max - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2020-05-16 21:24:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19326379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zelkova48/pseuds/Zelkova48
Summary: A string of unsolvable crimes have left the heroes of Musutafu City stumped and without a lead. So what do they do? Well, they call Sam & Max, Freelance Police! I mean, yeah, it's not the smartest decision they made, or the most sensible, or even one with the lowest mortality rating. But Sam & Max always get the job done, one act of indiscriminate nonsense at a time!





	1. The Perturbing Prologue

" **No**." All Might stated firmly.

"But I haven't said anything yet," Principal Nezu replied.

"You don't need to say anything. I know you're thinking it." All Might's stern tone of voice didn't waver.

The two maintained a thousand yard stare upon one another, they both refused to budge from their positions. The atmosphere in the principal's office was heavy and oppressive, and the entirety of the teaching staff rallied behind All Might could feel the weight bare down on them like a ton of bricks.

"There has to be another way," he reasoned.

"Is there?" Nezu raised a brow. "We've exhausted all our options and available resources. The hero association remains incapable of pursuing action and local law enforcement are no different. We're running out of time. We've no other choice than to pull...  _the nuclear option_." He concluded dramatically as he pulled out a red rotary phone from his desk drawer and placed it upon his desk. "I'm sorry my friend. It's the only way."

" **NOOOOOOOO**!" All Might's composure shattered and he let loose a defeated roar that shook the floors and rattled the frames on the wall. The force of his horror induced cries rippled throughout his hulking frame before he shrank down to his unfamiliar gangly form. "Anything but that, please!" He collapsed onto his knees and began grovelling. "There has to be another way, there just has to be! I'll recruit All For One if I have to, but please, anything but  _them_!"

"Uh, I hate to ask, but who's  _them_  and why do they have twiggy over here in a panic?" Aizawa asked, particular perturbed by Toshinori's actions.

"Oh, have you already forgotten, Shouta?" said Nezu. "You were there when the bombs dropped and it rained perfectly cooked medium rare salisbury steak all over the city's waterfront as ' _Yellow Submarine_ ' by The Beatles blared from the loudspeakers of the American nuclear sub."

A sudden wave of horrid memories flooded Aizawa's mind and he felt his stomach lurch at the thoughts. His skin turned clammy, his pupils dilated, and the muscles in his legs turned to jelly.

"Oh, God. Oh, Jesus Christ," he mumbled as he stumbled backwards, only remaining upright as Hizashi caught him before he fell. "Please, not again. The horror, the horror..." he breathed.

"Are you out of your damn mind!?" Cementoss yelled. He was absolutely livid. "The last time they were here an entire generation of heroes was traumatized by their reckless abandonment and callous disregard for human life! We're still trying to pay off the damages that they caused to the city to this day because one of them thought it'd be funny to mess around with a  **five megaton nuclear warhead, two slices of pecan pie, a Glen Campbell album, and a bucket of vegan lard**!"

"And it was with that entirely unnecessary combination of seemingly unaffiliated items that they managed to ( _mostly_ ) save our fair city from an unnamed menace that had us on the brink of destruction." Nezu calmly replied, in spite of the nervous sweat building up beneath his matted fur.

"That entire debacle was censored by the hero association, the Japanese government, and the  _United Nations_ ," Midnight added. "Everyone believed it was all just one big movie production that never took off. If we bring those two buffoons back God knows what kind of damage they could do to the city, our credibility, and the countless thousands exposed to their rampant stupidity!"

"I'm with them," Vlad King joined the discussion. "You're trying to hammer in a nail with a wrecking ball. This is too much for something so little."

"I agree. It's overkill," said Snipe. "Besides, didn't the government ban them from coming here ever again?"

"I've made up my mind!" Nezu uncharacteristically snapped, undoing his tie. "This is not a democracy. I'm making the call whether you want to or not, because if I don't we won't be around long enough to argue about it. I'm... I'm calling my older brother and his friend for aid and that'll be the end of it."

"Oh, it'll be the end all right..." Hizashi muttered to himself.

Without a moment of hesitation Principal Nezu began dialing in a set of numbers that grew more and more foreboding with each crank of the rotary dial. Seconds passed painfully slow like days of the month, and the atmosphere morphed into one of pure unadulterated dread. Before long, someone answered on the other end of the line.

"Wah, wah, wah, wah?"

"Hello, I'd like to make a collect call..." He answered nonchalantly. "Yes, I'll accept the charges..."

* * *

**Somewhere in the good ol' U.S. of A.**

**The Office of Sam & Max, Freelance Police**

"Alright, Sam. I'm ready!"

A short white anthropomorphic rabbity thing with a manic grin on his face and a blindfold over his eyes stood with an apple atop his head, a luger held firmly in his grubby little mitts. Said luger was pointed straight at the aforementioned Sam, a six foot tall anthropomorphic dog in a muted blue suit and matching fedora who was also blindfolded with an apple atop his hat and a large high caliber revolver gripped in his hand pointed back at the rabbit.

"Alright, Max. Whoever hits the apple off their heads gotta pay for takeout tonight." said Sam, holding his gun straight up at a slight angle.

"You're on, Sam!" Max replied, his luger aimed dangerous low in relation to his stunty height. "On three!"

"One!" Max began.

"Two!" Sam continued.

"Three!" "Three!"

* _Ring_!* * _Ring_!* * _Ring_!*

" **Blam!* *Blam!* *Blam!* *Blam!***

*Ka-thump*

*Thud!*

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...I got it! I got it!~" Both Sam and Max excitedly chanted as they both ran to the telephone ( _still blindfolded and mysteriously unharmed_ ) at breakneck speeds, barreling through furniture and each other in a mad dash to answer the phone. And yet, it always seems that Sam wins the fray more often than not. "Hello? Hello?! Is it you, Commissioner?!"

"Wah, wah, wah, wah."

"You're gonna have to speak up pal, I got a mild case of tinnitus from screwing around with dangerous firearms without ear plugs!"

"Wah, wah, wah, wah!"

"Oh, okay then. Max, it's for you!" Sam shouted, holding out the phone to no one in particular. Unbeknownst to him, Max was currently bashing himself against the office wall, convinced that the way to the telephone was beyond this mysterious ethereal barrier from beyond the sixth veil of time and space.

After stumbling around a bit, Max tripped over his desk and crashed into Sam, knocking the phone right out his hand and landing right over Max's large rabbit ears.

"Hello? May I ask who is speaking and if I need to hunt them down later?" said Max.

"Wah, wah, wah, wah"

"Eh? Nezu! How ya doing little bro!" he exclaimed ecstatically. "You know, you don't call very often. Mom always ask about you and I always have to pretend to be you whenever she visits. Do you have any idea how stressful it is to wear a suit when you're covered in fur? I mean, sure, Sam does it, but that's because he spent a lot on that suit of his even if it makes him sweat like a musky hyena bathing in a gas station bathroom toilet stall."

"I spent a lot of simoleons on this suit, Max, and by Giant Abraham Lincoln's representative rampaging robotic resurgence I'm gonna wear it!"

"Wah, wah, wah, wah."

"Mmhmm."

"Wah, wah, wah, wah!"

"Uh huh. Evil villain, people disappearing, heroes helpless to act. Got it."

"Wah, wah, wah, wah!"

"Really? Hey, wait. Weren't we banned from going there for all of forever and beyond?"

"Wah, wah, wah, wah... Wah, wah."

"An exception, really?"

"Wah..."

"Well, alrighty then! See you in a few, brother!"

And with that said, Max slammed the handset onto the side of the phone and pulled off his blindfold.

"Guess what, Sam!"

"You've been talking to your long lost Russian mail order bride and she's decided that you really are the love of her life and that she regrets running away in terror after witnessing you doing that weird thing you do with your eye and wants to get back together?" Sam guessed, pulling off his blindfold.

"Even better! That was my little brother!" Max grinned.

"Holy smoking sausages at a weenie roast on Easter Sunday!" Sam exclaimed. "Your younger fraternal twin by about forty seconds who disavows ever being related to you at all for the sake of  _convenient storytelling_  and  _canon stability_  who's head of the famed Yuuei school for heroes in Japan?"

"The very same! It sounds like he's got a villain problem and he needs our help."

"Well then, this looks like a job for Sam & Max, freelance police!" Sam paused, scratching his neck. "Say, weren't we banned from Japan the last time we were there?"

"He told me he got the ban lifted for this exact reason. Do you know what that means?"

"We can finally be reunited with our incredibly large and hyper-destructive super robot Mega-Max 3000?"

"Well that, and we'll finally be able to visit Mount Fuji without fear of a class action lawsuit!"

"Inconceivable!" Sam cheered. "Fire up the desoto, grab the passports and pack those humorously oversized luggage bags. The Freelance Police are headed to the land of the rising sun to do in a dastardly villain and enjoy the rich tradition steeped culture of Japan!"

"I'll make sure to pack the Glen Campbell album and the mayonnaise jar full of live octopi!" said Max, giddy as can be.

"Heh heh, you crack me up, little buddy." Sam chuckled.

And with that Japan had made the biggest mistake since delinquent culture, the boom of the isekai genre and the attack on Pearl Harbor. Can the land of the rising sun survive another encounter with the hair trigger hare and the dashing doggy detective? Stay tune and find out folks because Sam & Max, Freelance Police, are on the case!


	2. Episode 1 - Land of the Rising Fun

Principal Nezu placed the handset back down on the phone. A great weight had been lifted from his squat shoulders, only to be placed deep into the pit of his stomach. His older twin brother, Maxwell, and his canine companion, Sam, were coming to Japan to assist in solving an unsolvable crime against everyone's greater judgement. He had opened the eldritch tome and spoken the forbidden words. There was no going back now.

"There," he swallowed thickly, "it is done."

Everyone in the room were justifiably unnerved. Toshinori Yagi had managed to successfully pull himself back up but he remained wracked with dread throughout every inch of his scraggly self. No one knew what kind of mayhem awaited the fair city of Musutafu in the coming days once Sam & Max, Freelance Police, arrived.

"So, what now?" Aizawa asked.

"Well, if I know my brother, and I wish I didn't," Nezu grimaced, "we should probably greet Sam & Max in front of the school gate before any of the students or staff get hurt."

"Excuse me?" Midnight raised a brow. "You just finished making the call. How on earth could they possibly be in Japan alre-"

***Blam!* *Blam!* *Blam!* *Blam!***

"Gyaaaaaaaaah!" A series of gunshots followed by an agonized scream echoed out below them, snapping all the heroes to immediate attention.

"The hell was that!?" Vlad King yelled.

"Gunfire! The students!" Snipe didn't need to say more as he and the rest of the heroes made a mad dash out of the office and out into the hallway, leaving behind a very stressed out principal in their wake.

"...Damn it, Max," Nezu grumbled miserably as he pulled himself off the seat and followed the teachers. Out of the seven billion people on God's green earth why was Max his older brother?

* * *

**Yuuei School For Heroes**

**Time since Sam & Max arrived in Japan: 4 Minutes 43 Seconds**

**Number of civilians wounded since their arrival: 1**

"Gyaaaaaaaaah!" Katsuki Bakugou let out a bloodcurdling scream as he fell onto his back, two gunshot wounds square to the chest, one to his left shoulder and another on his right thigh. His classmates were huddled around his profusely bleeding frame, mortified at what had transpired. They'd all formed a barrier around him, quirks at the ready to strike back at the horrible duo that had suddenly appeared at their school.

"I warned him, but he just wouldn't listen to me," Max quipped with a grin, the smoking barrel of his luger still warm from the shots.

"GAH! YOU NAKED FLEA BITTEN BASTARD! I"LL FUCKING MURDER YOU!" Bakugou raged but couldn't actually act in any productive manner due to his debilitating injury. Using his explosion would only serve to exacerbate his condition and attempting to cauterize his wounds when he couldn't even move properly was a no go.

"Hey, that's not fair to Max," said Sam. "You weren't there when I had to hold him down while Sybil gave him the flea shots to his tuchis."

"And the tetanus shot, and the rabies shot, and the shot for hysterical pregnancy..." Max listed off each horrid memory with a blank look in his beady little eyes, black and lifeless, like a doll's eyes. "But it was all worth it to visit Japan!" He cheered back up.

"Who are you people!?" Iida screamed, clearly on edge with the rest of his classmates.

"Sam & Max, Freelance Police," Nezu interrupted as he and every other teacher showed up in the nick of time. An awkward silence overtook the hallway as they crowded behind the duo, apprehensive but unable to act directly. "What happened here?"

"WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE YOU BLIND RODENT!? THAT FURRY FUCK SHOT ME!" Bakugou roared in response, gripping desperately onto his gaping bullet wounds for dear life.

" _Four times_  in fact," Max happily added.

"And all in the same general direction too. I have to say that's a new personal best for his aiming record," said Sam.

"Why thank you, Sam." Max smiled a psychotic smile.

"I see," Nezu said dismissively.

"Principal Nezu, you know these psychopaths!?" Yaoyaorozu asked in a panic.

"Hey! I'm only a third psychopathic. The other third of my mental faculties is attributed to schizophrenia and semi-useless trivia about cheese," Max retorted.

"It's true. We've got the papers to prove it," said Sam, who immediately produced a set of medical documents from out of the blue.

"Well, of course I know them. I'm the one who called them here," Nezu stated as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

"E-eh!?" The students eyes' went wide with shock.

"In fact, as much as I loathe to bring it up, Max here," he pointed over to Max who was currently cleaning out his large rabbit ears with his luger (with the safety off mind you), "is my older twin brother."

"EEEEEH!?" the shock his increased tenfold.

"He's your twin brother?!" Tooru damn near shrieked due to the incredulity of it all.

"Yup! Can't tell us apart, can you?" Max walked over to Nezu and pulled him into a side hug, to which is younger brother begrudgingly accepted. "I tell ya, it's like looking into a mirror. A handsomely endowed mirror."

"Great Golden Gorilla Gatsby of Papua New Guinea! The resemblance is absolutely uncanny!" Sam exclaimed, earning more than his fair share of bemused looks from the students.

"I called them here to deal with our recent unsolvable crime wave. Because in spite of all this," Nezu motioned over to Bakugou, still clutching at his mortal wounds in agony, "they're heroes through and through and are our only hope in ending this new menace once and for all."

"We're still trying to figure out how they got here so quickly," Midnight was still baffled at how quickly they had shown up after answering the literal call of justice.

"Hey, you know, this family reunion is nice and all, but doesn't change the fact that I'M OVER HERE BLEEDING TO DEATH BECAUSE THIS MANIAC SHOT ME!" Bakugou was beyond livid for a boy with four lead slugs entrenched in him.

" _Four times_!" Max cheerfully reminded everyone.

"I-isn't anyone going to do anything!?" Midoriya cried.

"That depends, who instigated this whole incident," Nezu calmly asked. He turned his gaze towards Sam. "Sam?"

Sam scratched at his ears before replying. "Well, after we crashed the desoto into the school's front gate getting here-"

"I'll be billing you for that later," Nezu quickly cut in but let Sam continue with his explanation.

* * *

"-We made a beeline for your office when this kid accidentally bumped into Max. He got all mad and said something like,

' _watch where you're going you sh!$ Easter Bunny reject_!"

-and then Max responded with,

' _call me an Easter Bunny reject again you wannabe cereal mascot and I'll plug ya like a cheap bottle of bad scotch_ '

-and then I said,

' _you might wanna listen to him kid. Max here isn't known for his skills at Texas hold 'em or use of empty threats_ '

-and then the kid grabbed Max by the scruff of his neck and said,

' _what the f *k did you say to me you Easter Bunny reject_!'

-and then Max swiftly pulled out his luger and opened fire at point blank range. All in that exact order. Gotta say, it sure is lively here compared to North America."

* * *

"Hmm..." Nezu looked deep in thought as he began processing all that's been said, much to the mounting panic of everybody nearby. "I've reached my verdict."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...AND!?" Bakugou was started to go into shock.

"Bakugou, you should know better than to insult people after bumping into them, especially if they're armed." Nezu's flippant response caused everyone's jaw to hit the floor. "I'm letting you off with a warning this time, only because you're bleeding to death. I say this near death experience will serve as an excellent lesson for you and others when dealing with the unknown."

"...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT LITTLE SHIT WAS PACKING HEAT!? WHERE THE FUCK WAS HE EVEN HIDING THAT FUCKING THING?!"

"Trust me, you  _really_  don't want to know," Sam assured.

"Wow. It finally happened. Bakugou got capped for getting in someone's face," said Kaminari, his eyes wide in disbelief.

"Honestly I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner, kero," Tsuyu added. Despite her unflappable demeanor she was still very much shaken by the whole situation.

"W-wait! This can't be right!" Ochako proclaimed. "Those two are dangerous thugs who broke into our school and seriously injured a classmate of ours, and Bakugou's the one being blamed for his actions!? This is a gross miscarriage of justice!"

"Uraraka's right," Todoroki summons frost on his arm. "We're not going to let them get away with this. With or without the teacher's help."

"Oh, please. Put your hand down, Todoroki. Have some class," Nezu shot Todoroki a stern look, causing him to back down. "Now, you and the others get Bakugou to Recovery girl and she'll patch him before he loses consciousness. I'll handle Sam & Max. Everything will be explained shortly afterwards but until then I expect you all to continue with the school day as normal. Teaching staff included."

"This is an outrage!" Iida protested rather vocally.

"Your anger is noted, Iida, but I want to make this clear before anyone gets any bright ideas," Nezu's sharpened his gaze. "Sam & Max are heroes the world over, famous beyond the borders of their home country and even in our humble little slice of island heaven. Their heroics are matched by their seemingly nonsensical methods which only few can comprehend. For the sake of your sanity and physical health, please, don't think too hard about it."

"That's right, kids. Sam & Max, Freelance Police and friend to all children are on the case! You can count on us for all your problems, big and small," Sam valiantly proclaimed.

"You got that right!" Max joined in, carelessly waving around his luger (which still has its safety off. Or perhaps it doesn't have a safety to begin with?). "We gotta protect the easily corruptible youth from the dangers of society and Satan!"

"YOU! FUCKING! SHOT! ME!" Three guesses as to who that was.

"Last I checked you were a teenager," Nezu, against his better judgement, couldn't stop himself from pointing out the obvious. "Honestly, if students in the hero course these days can't take a couple gunshots to the chest without complaining then why are they training to be heroes in the first place?"

Though Nezu was met with a couple grumbles of disagreement and uneasy glares the students begrudgingly began to disperse and resume their daily routine with some semblance of normalcy after seeing how serious their usually laid back principal was.

The teachers also complied, only because they didn't want to deal with the relative insanity that was Sam & Max any longer than they needed to. They obeyed the principal's wishes because they trusted his good faith, no matter how misguided it felt at the moment.

Before long, Sam, Max and Nezu started trekking to the latter's office. Excitement was still fresh in their animal blood.

"So... Five minutes," Nezu mused. "It took you less than five minutes to harm someone and cause property damage after showing up out of the blue."

"Yeah," Max nodded. "Usually there's at least five and a half injured, a raging fire blazing across town and a news team tailing us through the streets. I'm getting soft."

"Ha! You kill me, little buddy." Sam smirked.


	3. Episode 2 - The 4-1-1 for the Five-O

"So what's the four-one-one on this whole unsolvable crime wave you've got going on here, Nezu," Sam inquired as he and Max grabbed a seat in front of Nezu's desk.

"Yeah, who do you want us to shoot and/or horribly maim and/or make a hilarious mockery of?" Max so delightfully added.

"Well, we'd like to figure that part out before you both go about your ethically questionable business," Nezu replied, pouring himself a cup of green tea. "And before that I need to debrief you on the actual severity of the situation itself. The long and short of it is It's bad enough that it led me to call you two to Japan and lift your countrywide ban in spite of my colleagues' vocal objections."

"Aw, we're flattered you thought of us during the time of your city's darkest hour." Sam smiled.

"Think nothing of it. We need the situation handled immediately before it all goes to hell in a ham sandwich."

"How darkly delectable," Max quipped.

"Mmhmm, yes. Now, about the case itself," Nezu paused to take a sip of his tea. "For two months now there have been several reports of mysterious disappearances throughout the four corners of Musutafu city.  _Unexplainable_  disappearances. The police department are at a complete loss and even our greatest tracking heroes keep stumbling across dead end and trails colder than a verbally abusive ex-wife hopped up on valium."

"Wow. That bad, eh?" Sam raised a brow.

"It gets worse," Nezu narrowed his eyes. "Because it's not just innocent civilians that are gone. Heroes, young and old, fresh faced and veterans alike, are being targeted as well. Vanishing off the face of the planet without so much as a single clue as to their whereabouts. And if recent reports are anything to go by, even villains are fair game. In summary, people are disappearing for no reason whatever. This has to end."

"And that's where our brand of hard boiled investigation and suave professionalism come in, right?"

"Well..." Nezu averted his gaze. "I wouldn't call your brand of investigation  _hard boiled_  or your professionalism  _suave_ , but we do need that strange sort of hypercompetent expertise you've got going on as Freelance Police."

"Say no more, little bro. Your faith in us will not go unrewarded. Sam and I will have this case cracked faster than you can say: ' **Ia! Ia!~** _ **Cthulhu Fhtagn**_!' Raaaagh!"

The moment Max concluded his heartfelt proclamation, his head turned a full three-sixty and his jaw suddenly unhinged with a metallic squeak as the upper half of his oval head flung backwards. Moist slippery tentacles of an unfathomable eldritch nature sprouted from beyond the cavernous black pits of his esophagus and flailed about in a frenzy before he managed to wrested them back down his gullet and set his jaw back into place.

" * **Burp**!* Whoopsie."

* * *

**[ Principal Nezu is making his SAN check ]**

**[ ... ]**

**[ - 01 - ]**

**[ Critical Success ]**

**[ Principal Nezu does not lose any SAN points ]**

* * *

"...I really didn't need to see any of that, Maxwell" Nezu deadpanned.

"Sorry bout that," Max grinned sheepishly. " * **Burp**!* I'm still fighting off that rancid calamari from last night's takeout."

"Apropos of nothing," Nezu continued undeterred, "the one thing we are sure of is that a dastardly villain is behind these disappearances. Find them and put a stop to their machinations before it's too late."

"You can count on us, principal," Sam stood up from his seat and saluted dramatically. "The Freelance Police will not rest until this mysterious menace and their machinations are meted with meticulously measured mischief."

"Good boy, Sam. Good boy." Nezu nodded. "Now, this would be the part where I'd leave you to your own devices and let you be on your way. Unfortunately, I can't."

"Aw, why not?" Max jeered. "Was it cuz of the tentacle thing? I'm keeping it down, relax. The dark whispering voice of abyssal oblivion trillions upon trillions of years old are more scared of me than I am of them."

"It's not that. Japan just isn't used to your brand of outrageous recklessness and moronic tendencies. At least not on an hourly basis. So, in an effort to curb your morally misguided antics you're going to have to do a little meet and greet with the rest of the school so that both parties would be on the same page, so to speak. Get the good folks of Musutafu City to be acclimated to your presence before you ultimately unleash chaos out on the streets."

"I thought they were acclimated with us the last time we were here? You know, with the bombs and the steaks and the hit song by the Beatles." Sam scratched his ears.

"Oh, far from it. You ended up traumatizing everyone I know. All Might in particular can't seem to shake your memory." Nezu recalled how unsettled the number one hero was from the mere mention of calling Sam & Max. "But think of it this way, it'll be like you're a teacher at this school. Only you're Freelance Policemen, and not teachers whatsoever."

"Oh, boy. We get to enrich the wet spongy malleable minds of the impressionable Japanese youth with our superfluous American ways," said Sam.

"It's just like back during the war!" Max commented. "Ah, good times, good times."

"I'll put out the call for an assembly soon. In the meantime, try to think of a way to not traumatize the teacher staff and the entire student body once you meet them."

"No promises," Max assured.

"Eh, Fair enough." Nezu shrugged.

* * *

**Yuuei Main Courtyard**

**Weather: Sunny**

**Odds of Sam & Max traumatizing the Japanese people: Positively**

The school courtyard was packed with all the students and staff of Yuuei. Hundreds of students lined the yard in neat columns and rows as Nezu and the teachers were stationed at the nearby stage. A large velvet cover and wide video screen created a backdrop that made the entire assembly appear more grand than it really was.

Among the masses were the students of Class 1-A and 1-B, curious as to what the principal had to say with this sudden assembly.

"Do you think it has something to do with those two policemen?" Midoriya whispered to Iida.

"Hmph," Iida flared his nostrils. "Those two cannot be officers of the law. They're violent, vulgar, and have a complete lack of respect for protocols. They're a disgrace to all who wear the uniform!"

"But you heard Principal Nezu," Ochako joined in the conversation. "They're  _Freelance Police_. They don't work for the city."

"That makes it even worse!" Iida chopped at the air in frustration. "Why, they're no better than mercenaries! Running around the city asserting their position as policemen, it makes my blood boil just thinking about it!"

"Cool your damn jets, Four-Eyes!" Bakugou interjected. "You think you got beef with them, YOU"RE NOT THE ONE WHO HAD TO GET FOUR SLUGS PULLED OUT OF YOUR BODY!"

"Shh!" Yaoyorozu shushed. "Everyone, the principal is about to speak."

Principal Nezu walked up to the podium and began prepping his speech.

"Ahem. Testing, testing, one, two, three..." He cleared his throat several times before finally speaking. "Now, good students of Yuuei, I'm sure a lot of you have some questions as to why I called this assembly all of a sudden. Well, you'll be glad to know that it has something to do with our guest earlier this morning and their altercation with another student whose name will remain a secret."

There was noisy muttering from the students. They all heard about what happened but given the school's reputation they didn't make too much of a fuss about it. But now it seems the principal is going to spill the beans about the whole debacle.

"As you may all know, a string of unsolvable crimes has made waves throughout our beautiful city and that Musutafu's finest have been helpless to do anything about it. It's the grim reality of things, you must understand."

The mutterings grew in fervor. The way the conversation was going wasn't very favorable.

"Which is why in a moment of deep focus and careful thought, I decided to call in help from out of the country to aid us in our investigations." Nezu motioned to the left end of the stage. "Everyone, I would like you all to meet with some of the finest heroes the world has ever had the displeasure of sharing the planet with. Sam & Max, Freelance Police!"

From behind the velvet covers Sam & Max virtually exploded onto the stage in a vibrant display of colorful fireworks and glittery confetti, all accompanied to jamming sounds of a smooth jazz selection. They were currently being projected on the big screen. The resulting entrance had left many onlookers stunned in the sheer audacity of it all. But nothing could prepare them for what was to come next.

"Howdy boys and girls!" Sam spoke as loud as his lungs could carry his voice.

"And a very special hello to you freaks of nature mixed in with all the weirdos out there!" Max definitely could've worded that one better.

"I'm Sam. The short little dolt with bad oral hygiene and beady shark eyes is my little buddy, Max. We're the, Freelance Police! And we're here to teach you an important lesson about growing up."

Bemused murmurs permeated throughout the air. The students have no idea where this was going at all. Few were sure this was a bad prank by the teachers or a sort of hidden lesson to prep them in some way. The answer couldn't have been further from the truth.

"A lot of you may be wondering about the weird changes to your body, hair growing in weird places, a deeper tone of voice, and finding girls to be less icky." Sam continued much to everyone's confusion. "We're here to let you know that's all perfectly normal. This delicate and horrific process is what's known as puberty and it happens to girls earlier than boys."

"Which brings us to our next subject," Max followed through with the lesson. "You see, when a girl and a boy love each other very much-"

Everyone present really didn't like where this was going. Nezu himself merely kept to himself and let nature take its course. If Musutafu city was going to survive Sam & Max for any given period of time, they better get used to their shenanigans sooner than later.

"-they might want to try to dance the horizontal polka-"

Several students began tensing up.

"-but you should know that getting it on like me at an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet is a terrible idea and should not under any circumstances be attempted without the proper precautions and a legally binding waiver."

"He's right kids. And to compound upon that allegory, when going for the breakfast sausage it's best to go for corn dogs instead of the plain ol' weiners, otherwise you risk running the chance of contracting the number three killer of teenagers behind sugary energy drinks and boy bands,  _sexually transmitted diseases_. Or  _STD_  as it's abbreviated."

"Stop it! Stop it!" Mineta screamed in horror from the crowds. "For the love of all that is holy, somebody, anybody, shut them up!"

"But I haven't even gotten to the best part!" Max pulled out a large poster from... somewhere and began unfurling it. "Pay attention everybody. If you don't practice good habits at the buffet, this is what can happen to you!" He presented the foul unholy image for all to see on the big screen and was rewarded with the sights and sounds of horrifically traumatized screaming teenagers scrambling to escape the vicinity or gouge their eyes out with their fingers.

"My eyes! My beautiful eyes!" Aoyama wailed in sorrowful agony. Clutching at his eyes as he fell to the floor and curled into the fetal position. Rocking back and forth in a steady rhythm to song of his youth. "Frere Jacques, frere Jacques, dormez-vous..."

"There is no God." Mineta muttered lifelessly. He was eerily still, frozen like a statue in the middle of the courtyard. There was no light in his eyes, no soul, for he had gazed into the abyss and blinked at the ebon darkness. Hope is an illusion. Life is a lie. There is no right or wrong. Only and endless eternity in this hellish void known as reality.

"S-sweet merciful heavens," Toshinori dry heaved. He could feel his lunch fight against him. "Is t-that... is that a-"

"W-where did they even find a picture of t-that?" Midnight struggled to speak. That horrid unspeakable thing she had just witnessed nearly stole her breath away.

"I think I threw up in my mask and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this is a way better experience than- Ugh!" Snipe paused, bringing his hands up to his mask to contain the remnants of his stomach content from seeping out of the seams.

Aizawa merely climbed into his sleeping bag and stared up at the sky.

"Well, Max. I'd say we did a pretty good job educating these students in practicing safe buffet practices," said Sam with a hint of pride.

"Indeed, Sam. The poster always does the trick. Now these kids will think twice before choosing pancakes over waffles." Max nodded along.

"You crack me up, little buddy," Sam cheered.

All the while, Nezu watched the mayhem unfold from behind the podium, a look of regretful satisfaction twinkled in his eyes.

"Well, that went better than I expected." He turned to address any of the teacher that were still capable of functioning properly. "Would someone please call up the school therapist. She'll be working overtime for a while."


	4. Episode 3 - Nonexistent Approval Rating

The meet and greet had went better than expected. People were rightly traumatized (and retraumatized), vows of celibacy and chastity were made (not that the ever pious Ibara Shiozaki needed another reason to abstain from sex before marriage, bless her pure soul), but the folks at Yuuei still weren't convinced about Sam & Max's overall presence in Japan. Many were still openly against the idea, much to Nezu's ever increasing migraine.

So this time he had to be a bit more direct.

The people that he really needed the trust with the most was the teaching staff and the students of the hero course. He really didn't want to expose them to Sam & Max's patented brand of weirdness anymore than what was needed, but by the eight armed fire breathing snake man of La Mancha if that's what it took to get them out on the streets and solving crime than so be it.

It's their sanity on the line, not his.

* * *

**Yuuei Gymnasium #2**

**Time: Half past lunch**

**Future: Looking pretty bleak if you ask me**

"Is this really necessary?" Nezu tried to sound less peeved about the situation than he really was. "Sam & Max need to get to work immediately, and you're all holding them hostage because you don't trust them to deal with the crime wave." His eyes narrowed sharply. " _We're wasting time_."

"No." Aizawa asserted. "We had things under control before you brought those two psychos here. Now we're wasting time putting up with them."

"Is reporting to your superior with nothing at all for two straight months  _having things under control_?" Nezu retorted, to which the teachers flinched from his harshness.

"Oh, snap!" Max quipped.

"You must understand, I am not undermining or misrepresenting your skills and nuances as professional heroes. You are all the best and the brightest who are helping to mold the next generation of young heroes to be even better than you are. There is no greater act of heroism than passing those skills onto the ready and the willing to preserve our fragile peace for a few more years," Nezu spoke with a blazing fire in his heart.

"But even you must know that when conventional methods fail, we have to rely on the unconventional to hold things together. Sam & Max are that unconventional method and if their impressive track record of success and wanton devastation around the globe are anything to go by than we must put our faith in them if we are to have any hope of saving this city in the future!"

" *Sniff* Nezu, that was a beautiful speech. Hold on, I think I have something stuck in my eye." Sam wiped away a single tear off his left cheek. All the while Max was applauding his brother as an awkward one man clapping show with a hyperactive level of fervor.

"Woo! Encore! Again! This time with a musical segment!" Max cheered.

The teachers and students all traded nervous glances amongst themselves. Nezu swallowed thickly. Even with his impassioned speech they still held reservations for the Freelance Police. There was only one thing to do now.

"Samuel, Maxwell!" Nezu pointed at the duo.

"Er, yessir!" Sam swiftly snapped to attention.

"Is that any way to address your older brother and President of the United States?" Max frowned with his hands at his side. "It's Supreme Overlord Commodore God-King Emperor of Mankind Max-Sama, Herald of the Ninty-Nine Golden Templar, Tamer of the Three Headed LIghtning Dragoon, Lord Commander of Th-"

"Nevermind that!" Nezu snapped exasperatedly. "Show them what you can do. They must know you're capable for the task at hand. Only then can you get a move on with your job!"

"Well, okay. But what?" Sam shrugged. "You can't just tell us to show off what we can do on a dime ya know? We need prep time and a catering department. Showing off requires a sufficient amount victuals to sate me and Max's insatiable appetite during our boneheaded acts of danger and irresponsibility."

"Oh! Oh! How about we pierce beyond the veil of the present and speak the truth of the future to these miserable peons?" Max suggested.

"Uh, do the what now?" Toshinori questioned.

"What my short and ill-tempered handgun toting hare of a partner is saying is that we can technically see into the future," Sam elaborated. "It's had its moments but believe me when I say that seeing the future can be overrated. It's all out-of-context shenanigans and sports advertisement by John Madden."

"You can see into the future?!" Midoriya spoke up rather excitedly. "I don't know anyone who has a quirk like that."

"Hey! The only quirks around here are Sam's incessant snoring during his lopsided doggie nap time and my crippling addictive thirst for generic brand powdered orange drinks!" Max raved. "I can quit anytime I want! I just need it every few hours or else I start seeing the evil Gnome again! Him and that lazy eye of his, always threatening to steal my food. I hate you evil Gnome! I hate you!"

"Oh, no. How could I forget to talk about that." Nezu brought his palm to his face for forgetting about their bizarre normalness. "No, no. That can be someone else's problem for another time." He turned to face Sam & Max. "Just show them your impressive skills so we can get on with the investigation."

"Pfft, are these damn jokers really going to see into the future?" Bakugo jeered. "Buncha fakers is what they are."

"I concur with my foul mouthed classmate," Iida stated, earning himself the stink eye from the former. "This is all just a farce. These so-called Freelance Police are nothing more than dimwitted thugs and rule breaking charlatans."

"Thank you!" Max grinned.

"That was  _not_  a compliment!" Iida sneered.

"Eh, toh-may-toh, po-tah-toh." Max shrugged.

"Is this still going on?" Yaoyorozu looked ready to pop a blood vessel. "Principal Nezu, I know you think highly of them and we trust you with our lives. But this," she pointed to Sam & Max, "I don't know what to make of this. They don't look the part, they don't act the part, and they certainly don't feel like heroes."

"Vice prez has a point," Kaminari added. "This is our issue and we don't need foreigners to deal with something we can handle ourselves. If the teachers are against this then I'm in for the vote of no confidence too."

"Me three," said Mineta. "I almost successfully gouge my eyes out before because the damn poster the rabbit showed earlier!"

"They should leave the heroing to the professionals," said Kirishima.

"Kero, they're weirdos," said Tsuyu.

"Yeah, Sam. They're weirdos. Total creeps if you ask me. They should be beaten with oranges and chased out town by an angry mob! I'll fetch the pitchforks and torches!" Max joined in, happily ready to chase those weirdos out with malign violence and extreme prejudice.

"Max, you're half of the weirdos they're referring to," Sam elaborated.

"Oh." Max paused. "Well we did get chased by a mob during that job in Transylvania. And it's not the first time we've come to blows with our malevolent evil twins from the fifth dimension."

"Our malevolent evil twins were from the sixth dimension, Max. The semi-good but still openly evil twins were from the fifth dimension."

"I implore you, just give them a chance. What do you all have to lose that Musutafu city hasn't lost already?" Nezu reasoned before straightening himself out. "Regardless of how any of you feel, the Freelance Police will still conduct their services with or without your approval. Getting to know them was all a courtesy for you and others like you, please respect that. You'll need it."

If looks could kill Yuuei would've been reduced to a smoldering crater from the heated glare the staff and students had with the principal's own.

"Sam, Max. Just do the thing," Nezu relented with a heavy sigh.

"Okay!" Max gleefully proclaimed as he pulled out a worn stereoscope and held it up to his head.

"Wait, is that a viewmaster?" Aizawa asked, his expression one of confusion.

"Nope, it's our special future vision ocular device," Sam explained. "This bad boy here and see the future of whomever you choose to look at."

In the background, Izuku Midoriya deflated upon seeing that the precognition was not in fact a quirk.

"Let's start with you, sleepy goggles." Max activated the stereoscope.

* * *

"Well, what do you see?" Aizawa asked in an uninterested tone.

"Hmm, looks like you're in a sleeping bag," Max started

"Oh, they can see the future alright," Hizashi quipped, earning a few laughs from his peers.

Future Aizawa was sitting at his favorite park bench next to a pretty woman with a bright green bandanna, black top, yellow gloves and striped pantaloons. The woman was insistently pestering Aizawa about something, though he himself didn't seem to mind her presence or her pestering.

"Marry me," the woman sang with a smile and a loving voice.

"No," replied Aizawa from the comfort of his sleeping bag.

"Marry me."

"No."

"Marry me."

"No."

"Marry me."

"No."

"Don't marry me."

"N-yes."

"Darn." The woman snapped in disappointment but remained undeter in her quest for Aizawa to accept her marriage proposal. "Marry me."

"No."

* * *

"And it goes on for a few hours," Max concluded. "I wonder what that's all about."

"Sounds like her alright," Aizawa mumbled under his breath. "This doesn't prove anything. At all."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Midnight nudged Aizawa in the ribs, knocking the air of him. "It looks like the little schmuck can see the future."

"Alright, so he can see that Aizawa needs to get his personal affairs in order, do those toy goggles actually do anything for us?" Toshinori grunted.

"Say, Max. Why don't you swing that future vision over to our old buddy Mighty Man over there and tell us about his misbegotten future," Sam suggested.

"Great idea!" Max turned his gaze towards Toshinori.

"Wait, Max, no!" Toshinori recoiled slightly under Max's intense gaze.

"Wait, Max, yes!"

* * *

"...I see snow. Lots and lots of snow."

Indeed, Max did see plenty of snow for he was currently viewing a heavily isolated Tibetan mountain village trapped in a vicious blizzard.

A lone figure covered head to toe in fur trekked with crunching snow beneath their boots through the village and towards one of the ancient temples that had been painstakingly carved into the mountain rock. Upon arrival, the figure uncovered the hood over their head and was revealed to be an older Toshinori Yagi, still disconcertingly spindly with few streaks of gray running through his blonde hair.

The temple itself, though old and decrepit, was still in working order and was not at all abandoned. The Tibetan monks living there maintained it as best they could and represented countless generations of disciplined and devout individuals who had vigilantly stood guard over the secrets and traditions of their people for over five centuries.

Powerful smelling incense and bright flickering candlelight assaulted Toshinori's senses as he approached the head monk, his head bowed and hands held out in prayer for a man of his position.

"Greetings, oh exalted one. I am Toshinori Yagi, retired hero from Japan and weary traveler. I have traveled far and wide in hopes of seeking the honor of an audience with you." Toshinori spoke the utmost respect in his voice.

"...Toshinori Yagi... Hero of Japan... Why have you come to my temple? Why do you seek an audience with me..." The monk's voice, raspy and low, carried the force of his advanced years and state of enlightenment. He was an impossibly old man who had been elevated beyond the capacities of his human consciousness through years of self-discovery and spiritual understanding.

"Your holiness, I seek the medallion of your people. The ancient coin that once nearly tore apart your ancient kingdoms centuries ago before you learned to cast aside your earthly desires and ties to material possessions." Toshinori explained.

"...The medallion is not something to be seeked, Toshinori Yagi... The medallion must seek the worthy... Are you worthy of accepting such a burden? Are you worthy of the medallion's judgement?"

"I am," Toshinori's voice was steeled with conviction.

"...Very well..." The monk with his long bony fingers shakily reached around his neck and removed the medallion he had been safeguarding for uncountable years around his neck. It was a rusty medallion just a hair larger than an Amaerican half dollar that had been minted with early pre-civilization designs and tied off with yak sinew. "Present your offering and prove thyself."

Toshinori wasted no time in reaching into his backpack and pulling out a large leather bound tome. He presented the tome before the monk and opened it to reveal its contents: an impressive collection of coins similar to the medallion neatly organized in perfect rows. However, there was one slot on the page that was uninhabited.

The monk's medallion glowed for a scant moment, reacting to others like it before emitting a soft golden hue that radiated warmth in the biting cold. The coins in Toshinori's book shook and rattled in their place as it resonated with the medallion's own glow, calling to it like lost friends long reunited, thrumming with ethereal energies alien to all but the most intrepid of investigators.

And then, plink!

The medallion broke off the sinew string and flew like a blur into its own predetermined spot in the tome's page, fitting neatly in with the rest as Toshinori shut the tome in triumph.

"You... have been deemed...  _worthy_." The head monk bowed his head before Toshinori.

"A thousand thanks have been given to be even be allowed the opportunity, oh exalted one." Toshinori bowed in return. He then started flipping excitedly through the pages of his leather bound tome and began admiring the newest addition to his precious coin collection. "Oh, man! It took ten years but I finally got it. An early civilization Tibetan mint. The boys at the Musutafu Coin Collectors Club are never gonna believe this one! This is the best day of my life!"

* * *

"Ah, what? Coin collecting? That's pretty lame," Hizashi jeered. "I thought it was building up to something cooler."

"Hey! Coin collecting is cool!" Toshinori defended the sentiment to the point he momentarily turned back to his musclebound self. "I'm a numismatist."

"Gesundheit," Max added.

"No, Max. A numismatist is just a fancy way of calling someone who collects coins," Sam clarified.

"Oh. Whatever megaphone mouth said then."

"What, I have hobbies outside of work... I don't have to explain anything to you!" Toshinori responded indignantly.

"I respect your hobbies, All Might!" Midoriya interjected.

"Thank you!" Toshinori replied, albeit due to the heat of the moment it was with the same annoyed tone he used earlier on Max and Hizashi. "At least someone here respects my love for coin collecting."

"You're welcome!" Midoriya cheerfully exclaimed.

"Sounds like salad tops over there wants to be my next victim." Max grinned as he trained the stereoscope upon poor Midoriya.

"Whuah?!" His eyes widened and he stood ramrod straight under Max's maliciously scrutinizing gaze. "Please, don't."

"Oh, this'll be good," Bakugou sneered.

"Deku's future..." Uraraka whispered to herself.

* * *

"Well, salad tops, it looks like you're at a hospital," said Max.

Midoriya grew bright red at the mention. It looks like he was destined to return to the Hospital,  _again_. What was he going to tell his mother? Meanwhile his classmates merely rolled their eyes at the thought of him being hospitalized,  _again_. It's happened so often they'd ended up making a game out of it, often taking bets as to how long it'll be before he lands himself in the ER for the umpteenth time.

"Here, let me see that." Sam swiped the stereoscope out of Max's grubby little mitts, much to the latter's protest, and peered into Midoriya's certain uncertain future.

"Hey!"

"Hmm, it doesn't look like he's hurt," Sam commented, drawing interest from Midoriya.

"What do you mean?" He was probably going to regret saying this next part. "If I'm not hurt then why am I at the hospital?"

"Well for starters, kid, you're not alone." Sam adjusted the magnification slider on the stereoscope. "You're surrounded by a lot of gal pals, many of which look suspiciously like your classmates. You're actin' mighty friendly with them if I do say so myself and your lady friends aren't too shy about being real handsy with ya in public. Hey, you! Keep those perfectly manicured hands of yours above the belt, this is a family friendly future vision."

Midoriya found himself feeling woozy from Sam's observation, growing hotter under the collar with each passing second. Whatever curiosity he had turned into apprehension. There was no way his classmates actually liked him like that, did they? Reluctantly he turned his head and silently dreaded the reactions he would receive from his female peers, only to be baffled by what he was witnessing.

They were just as shocked as he was, and unless his brain was playing a cruel trick on him he could've sworn they had subtly averted his incredulous gaze and brought up a hand to hide their glowing blush.

Truth be told they didn't appear to be furious nor bothered by the thought of being with him, in fact he daresay that they were looking unusually expectant. Although some of the girls might've held some reservations about actually sharing him. He could only make hard guesses from their expressions about how they felt about this earth shattering revelation.

Nejire, Itsuka, and Tooru (according to her excited body language) seem to be not only be thrilled with the idea of being with him, but were surprisingly okay with the prospect of sharing him amongst themselves.

Mina and Tsuyu were in the same boat as the last group, although judging from the way they cautiously eyed one another there would need to be a compromise of sorts if they were all going to get together with him.

Ochako, Momo, Jirou and Ibara appeared to abhor the idea of sharing him with another woman as evident by the curt sideways glance of jealousy they flung to one another. He never took any of them to be the possessive type (although in Ibara's case it was probably more in line about adhering to her religious beliefs than it was avoiding societal taboos). But if the visions of the future held true, they would all eventually get around it, one way or the other.

Midoriya swallowed the lump that he didn't even know had formed in his throat. For an out-of-context future there sure was a lot to it. Was being with all of them, and more, really a part of his future? From the way Sam had spoken it did sound like everyone was happy with their arrangement, and if he was being honest with himself that's all he could really as for. The thought itself wasn't exactly unpleasant, just jarring.

He was going to be in a massive relationship with his classmates and others...

"I-I... I... I-I... Bwuh... Bu..." Midoriya fumbled with his words feeling as though his entire body was engulfed in roaring flames. It took all of his mental acuity and willpower just to remain upright, let alone conscious. This was too much to take in at once.

"Hey, look! Salad tops is getting all sweaty," Max gleefully commented.

"MIDORIYAAAAAA!" Kaminari and Mineta both screamed at the top of their lungs as they barreled right through Midoriya in tearful anguish, tackling him straight to the floor.

"What's the meaning of this! You traitor!" Kaminari cried out.

"You slick bastard! That innocent act you put up is all an act isn't it you playboy!" Mineta was on the verge of a breakdown.

"DEKUUUUUU!" Bakugou, enraged, forced himself through and started throttling Midoriya, jealousy burning in his eyes. "How the fuck does a pathetic nerd like you score all those chick!? You're hiding something from me, aren't you! Is this a quirk you've been hiding?!"

"Ack! I-I don't know what you're talking about," Midoriya strained through a crimped windpipe.

"I'll kill you!" Bakugou roared, when he suddenly felt a prickly pressure grip at his throat, followed by a powerful force yanking him backwards off of Midoriya.

"Don't you harm a precious hair on his adorable head you brutish ruffian!" Ibara Shiozaki had used her vines to rescue her future lover from the explosive grips of his so-called friend.

"You got a death wish?!" Bakugou snapped back, only to be taken aback by the figurative daggers stabbing into him from all the girl's collective glare.

"Alright, we started a teenager fight!" Max looked wickedly pleased with the outcome of potential violence amongst high school students. "Tear out his throat, for the amusement of Max the benevolent! Fight, fight, fight!"

"Could you all keep it down! I'm getting something else in the vision!" Sam frustratedly grunted, causing a temporary ceasefire to take place. "It's becoming clearer. I see... I see..."

"What? What do you see?" Ochako pressed for answers far quicker than she realized.

"Words... I see words. It says:  **maternity ward**." Sam squinted into the stereoscope.

"Oh, the doctors are coming out. He's... he's holding a girl! A beautiful healthy rosy cheeked baby girl! Wait, there's more. Legions of doctors and nurses are pouring out from the door. There're conjoined twins, identical triplets, a literal cabbage patch kid and bouncing baby boy! Sweet Mother Teresa at a rock concert lecturing the commies on the Fourth of July on a leap year! It's a literal baby shower in there!"

Sam exclaimed in awe inspired wonderment before rushing over to Midoriya, grabbing the shaken boy by the shoulder and popped a set of fresh Cuban cigars into his mouth.

"Congratulations, son!" Sam started shaking his hand vigorously. "You're the proud father of seventeen precious little miracles of nature, twelve girls and five boys."

"Mazel tov!" Max cheered, pulling out his luger and carelessly shooting several of the glass windows nearby. He then began dancing around Midoriya, sprinkling confetti all around the soon-to-be father that he kept in his natural marsupial pouch pants pocket. "Talk about ending the threat of Japan's declining birth rate in one fell swoop, salad tops!"

"Yes, siree. A proud father, hero-in-training  _and_  a patriot. You're a regular man of the people, kid. A true inspiration to Joe-Schmoes everywhere." Sam kept piling on glowing praise after glowing praise for the unfortunate lad.

" *Sniff* They grow up so fast," Toshinori Yagi was overcome with emotion for the future of his young ward. "Oh, no. Here come the waterworks," he sniffled, "I promise myself I wouldn't cry... Bwauh-ha-ha!"

"There, there. Toshinori," Nezu patted the hero on the back comfortingly. "You're just gonna have to accept that your apprentice is a man now. A man with multiple wives and a gaggle of kids, it would appear."

* * *

"So, kid. Since your certain uncertain future has you spawning an impressive number of little ankle biters, you know what that means, right?" Sam asked.

"Um, no? No, I don't." Midoriya looked worrisome, spitting out the awful tasting cigars that were pressed up against his gums.

"Of course you do. It's time for you and your classmates to brush up on-"

"Oh, god. No!" Kirishima interjected in complete terror, breaking out into a cold sweat.

" _Safe buffet practices_!" Sam concluded. "Max! Bust out the poster again!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" The students wasted no time in sprinting away in a panicked mass.

"Hey! Where're you pizza faced adolescents going!" Max questioned, the unholy poster gripped firmly in his mitts. "I got slides set up and everything!"

It was later unanimously decided by the teaching staff that Sam & Max would begin their investigation immediately.

After all, they should leave the teaching to the teachers.


	5. Episode 4 - On the Beat with the Peeps

A black and white police patterned desoto convertible burned hot smoking rubber down the cramped roadways of inner Musutafu City at breakneck speeds, crashing through street signs, mail boxes and the occasional food stand, all the while avoiding civilian casualties via vehicular manslaughter by a combination of skill and divine miracle of a higher power. The Freelance Police were on the case and they wasted no time on tracking down their first lead.

Sam was at the wheel, driving with deft precision and wild abandonment as best a six foot tall dog with a lead foot could in a densely populated metropolitan area rife with verminous criminals and larger-than-life superheroes. Next to him was Max, riding without a seatbelt, head hung over the side of the car with his razor toothed maw open and tongue flapping furiously against the wind. The irony of his little buddy's position was not lost on Sam.

"Gee, Musutafu City has a lot more traffic than I last remember," Sam mused, narrowly dodging a mother and her baby carriage. "Lotta people just wandering around wherever they please too. Don't they know how dangerous it is with all this motor traffic?"

"Watch where you're going you jackass!" the woman cursed from afar.

"Yeah, and what's with these sign placements. City planning sure is shoddy around here," replied Max as a witnessed the desoto outright mangle a stop sign like it was made out of cardboard. "Seriously, what's with all these people and random junk on the road?"

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE DRIVING ON THE SIDEWALK!" Midoriya screamed at the top of his lungs from behind the duo, his face leaking with tears and frozen in abject terror. The sheer velocity of Sam's driving had caused the poor boy to sink about two inches deep into the old leather upholstery of the backseat, all the while he maintained a vice-like grip on the seat's edge to the point his fingers were practically welded to the damn thing.

"Oh, hey! I completely forgot about you, unpaid intern," said Max, flipping around to meet the hero-in-training face to face. "So? How do you like your first hour on the job with the Freelance Police? Pretty exciting, wouldn't ya say?"

"YOU ARE BREAKING SO MANY LAWS! LAMP POST!?"

"Kid, you are being a real fuddy duddy, you know that? Nobody likes a fuddy duddy," Max snorted, turning to face Sam. "Say, Sam. Remind me again why we took on salad tops here as our unpaid intern again? He's seriously cramping our style."

"Sure thing, little buddy. While the professional heroes at Yuuei had begrudgingly accepted our presence in Musutafu City and allowed us to pursue our Freelance Police work alongside the Hero Association, they demanded a third party to tag along with us to act as their eyes and ears outside of their authority. Your younger brother Nezu thought it was a bad idea to saddle someone with us but later determined it could be a good thing in the long run..."

* * *

**Yuuei School for Heroes**

**Classroom 1-A**

**Time: 4 hours ago**

**Mood: Shock over the chosen sacrificial lamb**

"Mister Midoriya, you're going for a ridealong with Sam & Max after school," Principal Nezu brought the atmosphere of the entire classroom to a grinding halt with that single line.

"W-what?" Midoriya stuttered, shocked by the principal's sudden proclamation.

"Uh, you think could you repeat that, Principal Nezu? Because it sounded like I had something crazy in my ear," said Kirishima.

"You all heard me correctly. Mister Midoriya here is to join up with Sam and my older brother the moment school ends," Nezu repeated.

"But why?" Uraraka asked, bemused.

"Because your teachers, and by extension the Hero Association, sought to compromise with me over Sam & Max by including a third party to join up with them to act as their eyes and ears, so to speak. Personally, I think it's a sad attempt to curtail their shenanigans outside of their jurisdiction. I'm only allowing this because I think it could have a positive outcome. Though given my relationship with my brother a positive outcome has a different meaning altogether."

"Okay, we get that," said Mina, "but why not someone else instead of loverboy over here? Why not one of the teachers or some other pro?"

"Because each and every single one of them collectively passed the buck to the students out of paranoid fear and I got to choose who gets to have the dubious honor of being in close proximity with Sam & Max for more than a few minutes at a time. Therefore, I had chosen mister Midoriya here as a result." Nezu smirked sadistically. For a split second, he looked like a taller more rattier looking version of Max.

The students all flinched at his expression. They had always thought that their principal was weird. Not knowing what he really was, how he carried himself day to day or why he thought using a wrecking ball was a viable method of testing during the exams.

But now that they'd gotten to know a bit about the Freelance Police it was easier to believe that Principal Nezu really was Max's younger twin. Only he was far less neurotic, megalomaniacal and prone to bouts of impulsive recklessness. Furthermore he was more adherent to the miniscule part of his brain responsible for common sense. All traits none of which Max possessed in any sensible capacity.

"Okay, that answers half of my question," Mina slinked down in her seat. "But why Midoriya? Why not Yaoyorozu or Todoroki?"

"Or me?!" Bakugou interjected. "I'm twice the hero Deku is, I'll be the one to solve this crime wave. The Freelance Police will be witnesses to this main character's greatness."

"I chose Midoriya here for a reason mister Bakugou and it is because I believe he can handle being around the Freelance Police," Nezu replied coolly.

"And you think I can't?!" Bakugou snapped.

"Mister Bakugou, within a minute of meeting Sam & Max you were on the floor with four gunshot wounds bleeding to death, your budding hero career nearly tragically cut short, because of your  _exceptional_ people skills," Nezu deadpanned causing Bakugou to grit his teeth in frustration. "Furthermore, you have absolutely nothing to add to the duo's dynamic that won't end horribly."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Your explosion, while impressive in strength and destructive capacity, pales in comparison to the mind boggling number of high yield explosives Sam & Max usually carry around in their pockets. Not to mention your odds of survival hanging around with them for longer than an hour are slim to none. And if I had to assume you'd most likely perish behind the barrel of a gun, probably Max's due to  _friendly fire_."

"Hmph..." Bakugou fumed but ultimately backed down. He didn't need any more metal in his systems than he can get from foods.

"As for everyone else," Nezu turned to Yaoyorozu. "Miss Yaoyorozu, your ability to create objects from your person is an invaluable asset without a doubt but much like with Bakugou it is a moot point. Sam & Max have this uncanny knack for utilizing random objects found in their surroundings to an astonishing degree of creative problem solving. You'd more than likely hold them back than assist them in any meaningful way outside of being an extra hand."

"I... understand," Yaoyorozu frowned but she was glad she didn't have to be a part of the Freelance Police, no matter how much her heroic nature wanted to help.

Nezu then turned to address the entire classroom and swiftly went through all the reasons why they shouldn't be with Sam & Max with curt but gruesome details.

"Todoroki, your half-cold half-hot quirk will only result in citywide damage if I paired you with them. And you'd most likely die in a house fire ironically, caught underneath a burning beam as the whole place goes up in smoke.

Ojirou, you'd lose that tail and soft lower half of yours if you even think of trying anything heroic.

Shoji, you wouldn't be able to regenerate your way out of a human sized blender, scalding hot wax and six tons of nori.

Tsuyu would end up deep fried and served with a side of tartar sauce and coleslaw.

Mina, I shouldn't have to tell you what hydrochloric acid could do to a human body.

Uraraka would likely have a tragic accident involving a jet turbine in the stratosphere.

We wouldn't even be able to find Tooru's corpse under all that invisible rubble caused by an angry mime and his gang of mummenschanz minions.

Kaminari would be the toaster in the bathtub.

Satou, I hope you enjoy eating food through a straw for the remainder of your life.

With Koda he'd likely break down and mourn all the animal deaths at the local zoo.

Tokoyami would end up deep fried and served with a side of hot sauce and coleslaw.

Sero will have his lips sewn shut, his eyebrows plucked, and the rest of him mummified.

Aoyama death would reflect how he had lived; sparkly and flamboyant.

I think Kyoka would appreciate keeping her earphone jacks right where they are and not stuffed in a wet cardboard box twenty miles thataway.

Kirishima, you'd be buried under the Musutafu transit line as literal dead weight to support the train passing through.

Ironically enough, Mineta was my first choice seeing as he could just be stuffed into Sam's coat pocket and treated like an emergency weapon, but I decided against it. Although I might think it over...

Class 1-B, 2-A, 2-B, 3-A, and 3-B wouldn't last and I know for a fact the big three would do everything in their power to avoid this fate.

Now, Midoriya. Midoriya is the perfect sacrific- er, I mean, chosen candidate. He's been caught in so many life threatening situations back to back and came out alive each time it honestly defies all logical explanation.  _He's like a piece of corn in a colon_. He's perfect for the job. You know, assuming his pulpy remains doesn't get returned to his mother in a soup can."

There was an uncomfortable silence hanging in the air after Nezu had finished his explanation. Hanging around Sam & Max was akin to signing your own death warrant, and many of the students let out a breath they hadn't even known they were holding in after coming to the realization that they, despite their heroic resolve, had dodged the proverbial bullet by a country mile. Well, everyone except for Midoriya, the school's sacrificial lamb.

"However, just because Midoriya will be accompanying the Freelance Police does not mean I expect anyone in the hero course to start slacking on their part. You will still be expected to assist the association in any way you can in and out of school for the duration of this investigation, is that understood?" Said Nezu, to which everyone nodded along dumbly. "Good, we're all on the same page then."

"...Did you just compare me to a kernel of corn?" There was an incredulous look on Midoriya's face.

"A kernel of corn capable of surviving Sam & Max's antics," Nezu cheered, shaking the boy's hand. "Congratulations are in order for this great honor, Midoriya. Now, in order to preserve your future pro hero records I've already made the call to have your provisional license suspended and your file put on hold. You are free to do whatever it takes to solve this abominable crime spree. Now, go make Yuuei and the Freelance Police proud."

"But what if I don't want to be teamed up with a couple of amoral maniacs!" He protested.

"Too late, the jobs yours. No take backsies. Think of it as another internship, mister MIdoriya. Unpaid of course. I'm sure you're to find this experience very illuminating." Without much ado, Principal Nezu proceeded to bolt out of the room as quick as he had shown up, leaving Midoriya to contemplate his less than fortunate position. "Make sure to bring along your hero costume!" he shouted from the hall. "You're gonna need it!"

* * *

"And that's how we got to where are now," Sam concluded. "How was that, little buddy?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!?"

"Well, gee, Max. That sure was rude. If you didn't like my explanation of things then I'm gonna have to ask you politely to stop screaming like a little girl." Sam shook his head in disapproval.

"Don't look at me, Sam," said Max, pointing a big thumb at Midoriya, "look at our unpaid intern back there."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!? GET ME OFF THIS THING!" Midoriya continued to scream.

"Midoriya, I'm gonna have to ask you to politely stop screaming like Max," said Sam.

"Heh heh, yeah... Hey!" Max jeered.

* * *

**Musutafu Shopping Center Transit Station**

**Shopping for: Freelance Police Justice**

**Deals: 3 for the price of 1**

The desoto came to a sudden stop near a transit station close to the city's major shopping centers with an ear raking screech. Sam had stomped his foot on the brakes and sent the car into a long winding swerve, culminating in a curling black trail of hot rubber and loud crash straight into a nearby bench, knocking it up off its bolts. The passersby watching the whole thing all balked at the display as the police began to close in on them.

The bumpy and obstacle filled car ride only took about twenty minutes for the Freelance Police duo, but for Midoriya it felt like an hour long roller coaster ride through Hell and back. If he got back into the car with them for whatever reason it would be too soon.

Sam & Max hopped out of the car looking no worse for wear than when they had previously stepped in, having been inured to the heartstopping speeds of an adrenaline fueled ride since their soft marketable baby days. Their unpaid intern on the other hand needed to slowly peel himself off his personalized imprint on the backseat, carefully working on each individual finger before shambling over the side of the door and onto the ground in a shaken mess.

Midoriya remained on the ground, his pupils dilated and pounding heart threatening to burst straight out of his chest. He damned near cried some more after feeling the hard concrete beneath him, reveling in the fact that he was no longer trapped in a screaming metal death trap of a car with two of the worst people on the planet Earth going at a blistering two hundred kilometer per hour, all without a seatbelt mind you.

"Nothing like a casual stroll through downtown to get you pumped for some crime solving, wouldn't you say, Max?" said Sam, taking in the sights and sounds of the shopping center's hustle and bustle.

"Eh, would've been better if salad tops over there wasn't screaming his lungs out in the backseat," Max frowned. "Like I said, he's cramping our style."

"Give him a chance, Max. He's only been with us for less than an hour. Before long, he'll be traveling with us to the Moon, making first contact with the man sized rats and giant roach people as the Japanese representative of Earth. It'll be like he's a part of the family."

"Seeing as he's currently making out with the ground, I wouldn't hold your breath Sam," Max deadpanned. True to his word, Midoriya was indeed making out with the ground, singing soft praises as to how much he loved the stillness of the industrial material and how strong its foundation was.

"I'll never leave you again, ground... You complete me," Midoriya cried.

"Aw, Midoriya. This is just unsightly." Sam shook his head at the display. "Get on up kid, you're embarrassing yourself. Unless that specific part of the ground also happens to be another one of your superpowered gal pals, then by all means pour on the sugar."

"Use your tongue!" Max advised. "That muscle's for more than just licking foods, historical monuments and electrical outlets ya know."

"Freeze, put your hands in the air!" A whole squad of policemen had shown up at the shopping center. They were accompanied by a professional hero and were currently holding Sam & Max & Midoriya the Unpaid Intern at gunpoint.

"I'm not with them!" Midorya quickly denied as he scrambled to pull himself upright and away from the ground he was making out with.

"Oh, don't listen to insane ramblings of the concrete kisser. He's totally with us," said Max.

"You're not helping!"

"Well, if it isn't our old crusty pals of the Musutafu City Police Department," Sam greeted with a tip of his hat. "Long time no see fellas. Looks like there are a couple of fresh faces mixed in with the veterans."

"Fresh faced, you say? We should fix that." Max grinned deviously

The veteran officers of the policemen posse all paled once they finally realized who it was they were prosecuting. They all lowered their weapons, unsure of how to act in this predicament as their younger greenhorn cohorts scratched their heads in confusion. Soft murmurs of curiosity and indecision popped up one by one before another voice cut through the crowd, demanding to know why the police weren't doing anything.

"What's going on here! Why aren't you- Oh, no..." The authoritative voice that was abruptly choked by a squeak of remorse belonged to none other than Yu Takeyama, otherwise known by her professional hero moniker: Mount Lady. "...Alright, everyone, clear out. There's nothing to see here. Just a couple of police officers conducting a training exercise. Go on, get out of here. There's shopping to be done, move it."

She and the police officers began dispersing the crowds that had been gathering around the transit station. It didn't take long before a relative sense of normalcy had returned to the shopping center but that didn't mean the Freelance Police were in the clear. The police had returned to their patrols, all the while Yu was clearly distraught with the unwelcomed presence of the Freelance Police.

"Sam, Max, what are you two doing here?" said Yu, impatiently tapping her foot.

"Well, hook me on a fishing line and call me worm bait. Little Yu Takeyama, is that you? You're all grown up and taking it to the streets like a bloodthirsty german shepard with powerful skull crushing jaws hungrily tracking down the forlorn fugitives of the law." Sam smiled. "To think, last time we were here you were struggling to find an identity, and speaking with a lisp. Real proud of ya kid, yes siree-bob."

"Cut the pleasantries, Sam. I'm here on official hero business. I just didn't realize it involved the Freelance Police. So spill it, why are you two here?" Yu glared at the duo. "The both of you were banned from Japan, remember?"

"Sound like you never got the memo, Gigantigal," said Max. "Nezu personally called us here to solve your missing persons case. And we're going to solve it,  _by making other people go missing_. If you catch my drift."

"Unfortunately, I do." Yu groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I can't believe Nezu actually went and made the call. That would explain why everyone in the association have been on pins and needles recently. The Freelance Police were in Musutafu City."

"Yeah, ain't it great?" Max grinned.

"Max, your definition of great is not the same as my definition of great," Yu deadpanned. "And what about you?" She pointed to Midoriya. "Why are you hanging around with these two capricious chuckleheads?"

"I'm stuck with them because none of the other professional heroes in the city wanted to get involved with them, so the principal lumped me in with the Freelance Police against my will." Midoriya frowned at the memory. "I don't even wanna be here."

"Wow, tough break kid."

"Ah, buck up kid. You're still getting the hang of this Freelance Police business. You'll get used to it in no time," Sam assured.

"Maybe a little bit of police brutality will brighten the mood. Are there any chumps around here whose kneecaps we can bash in?" Max suggested.

"No! No brutality! We're doing this by the book!" Midoriya snapped. "We're going to act as heroes proper."

"Hate to burst your bubble, unpaid intern, but you're Freelance Police now," Max pointed out. "You follow our rules, of which they are many and are typically nonexistent."

"Max is right, sport," Sam added. "Nezu put your professional hero career on ice so you can join us in the investigation as the hero association's inside man. In doing so he had unofficially given you the go-to to act in whichever manner we deem acceptable-"

"Which usually covers a wide range of unscrupulous actions from petty vandalism, public yodelling and overly enthusiastic use of excessive force."

"-in order to achieve our goals in solving this heinous crime spree."

"But just because you act however you like doesn't mean we can't moderate ourselves!" Midoriya argued. "We should strive to be in line with the law, not above it."

"Oh please, like the pros are so much better than us," Max jeered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Midoriya responded indignantly. "I've only been with you guys for half an hour and so far you've destroyed fifteen street signs, six mailboxes, eight food stalls and a bench, all while breaking the speed limit! And that's not counting the fact you shot my friend, traumatized me and my classmates all within your first hour in Japan! You're no better than any crook out there!"

"Listen to this, Sam. Our unpaid intern whose oh-so glorious and publicly endorsed occupation, which innately entails the destruction of property and sanctioned violence against a deserving individual, is giving us a lecture about us doing the very same thing as a part of our occupation," Max sounded less than pleased. "Sheesh. Kids these days, no respect."

"Sounds to me like he drank a big old glass of hypocrisy lemonade and munched on a holier-than-thou sandwich with a side of self-righteous potato chips and plain celery sticks before we picked up him," said Sam. "That combination of foodstuffs will give ya indigestion."

"I-I'm not a hypocrite!" Midoriya strained as his face turned a bright red. "What I and the pros do and what you do are two totally different things!"

"You're right, they are different. Our job doesn't come with dental," Sam quipped.

"Forget dental. We're barely making rent as it is," Max added.

"That's not the point I was trying to- Gah- You- Buh- Dah!" Midoriya was at his breaking point. He didn't have the moral high ground and frankly it was killing him on the inside. He was better than the Freelance Police, he knew that. But if Sam & Max's casual ramblings were anything to go by the universal bar wasn't set very high to begin with. Just when he felt like he was going to suffer from an aneurysm, he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Yu.

"Sam, Max. You two go do your thing. Your unpaid intern will catch up after I have a word with him," said Yu, sounding uncharacteristically serious in the face of the Freelance Police.

"I thought you'd never ask." Max almost looked relieved "We'll catch ya on the flip side lispy. The Freelance Police got crimes to solve and baddies to bust." He then left for the shopping center wherein various shoppers made a conscious effort to keep a wide berth around him. The rabbit radiated trouble.

"I better go make sure Max doesn't bite anyone. I think the rabies shot is starting to wear off," said Sam, tipping his hat off to Yu. "It's been nice meeting ya again, kid. You've come a long way since the lisp."

He left the two and made a beeline towards Max, who was eyeing some of the cakes behind a bakery window. God forbid Max gets any amount of sugar in his systems.

Meanwhile, Yu had decided to console Midoriya. The poor lad was still red with anger after going off on Sam & Max.

"Sam & Max aren't bad people, you know," she began.

"Somehow, I sincerely doubt that," Midoriya mumbled sullenly.

"It's true. At a glance it might seem like they're a couple of loose cannon yahoos doing whatever they like, but believe me when I say there's a method to their madness." Yu's tone was unusually gentle, and if he was hearing it right, tinged with a fair amount of respect. "Think of them like medicine. Gross tasting at first but a small price to pay in the long run for good health."

"Why are you defending them? You saw what they did!" Midoriya flashed Yu an incredulous look.

"Because like it or not they're what we need. I'm sure your principal believed the same."

"Max is Nezu's older brother, I'm certain this has nepotism written all over it."

"Don't be like that," Yu sighed. "One of the hardest things we heroes have to do is act when our options are all but limited. All Might knew that when he flattened One For All along with part of Kamino Ward."

"All Might is terrified of Sam & Max," Midoriya retorted. "He won't go within twenty feet of them."

"Hmm, sounds about right," Yu grinned. "But the sentiment is the same. Musutafu City is teetering on the brink, whether you know it or not, and something needed to be done. Here's some life advice for you. Sometimes it's better to do the wrong thing in a crisis than to do nothing at all."

"I... I guess that makes sense, strange as it is," Midoriya looked downcast. "Say, Sam & Max were acting really familiar with you. Why is that?"

"We've some history," Yu rubbed at her arm. She looked vulnerable. "Before they were banned, Sam & Max used to show up in Japan quite frequently. Solving crimes and beating up villains. They also rescued some people too, like a little girl buried under a mountain of debris, scared out of her wits... It's what they do. They're heroes. People won't admit it, but deep down they're grateful Sam & Max are on patrol, in spite of the property damage."

"Funny, Principal Nezu said the same thing."

"Of course he would," Yu smiled, "he's related to Max."

"He sure is... I... Thank you for the talk, Mount Lady. I'm still not sure about Sam & Max, but for the time being I guess I can tolerate them for a while longer." Midoriya regained his composure. He wasn't angry anymore but he still dreaded being with Sam & Max any longer than he had to.

"Don't mention it. Now, I better get back on patrol, and you've got an unpaid internship to work out," Yu concluded as she swiftly took off, leaving Midoriya to his own devices.

Letting out a breath, Midoriya dusted himself off and went on to regroup himself with the Freelance Police duo. He didn't know what the future held in store for either party, but one thing was certain: he was going to help solve this crime wave with them, whatever it takes.

Assuming he and his own sanity would make it to the end in one piece, of course.

But like Yu had said,  _sometimes it's better to do the wrong thing in a crisis than to do nothing at all_.


	6. Episode 5 - Midoriya's Musings

**Musutafu Shopping Center**

**Number of shoppers: Higher than average**

**Sam & Max's time spent there: Enjoyable**

**Izuku Midoriya's mood: Irritable**

Izuku Midoriya just didn't understand why he and the Freelance Police were at the city's shopping center to begin with. With a highly condensed infrastructure that stretched for close to a mile, overlooked by tall labyrinthine buildings chock full of hidden nooks and crannies and bloated with more shoppers than it can realistically contain, the Musutafu Shopping Center was full to bursting with all manner of activity big and small.

Izuku didn't even feel like he was doing anything productive. For the better half of two hours spent shadowing the duo they'd been window shopping with no real goal in sight, only stopping at a local currency exchange booth to get their American dollars turned in for Japanese yen or picking up whatever random junk they could get their hands on that wasn't nailed to the floor or liable for the accusation of thievery.

They were acting like common tourists, soaking in the sights and sounds that the city had to offer and he was their unfortunate third wheel.

To say he was bored beyond belief was an understatement.

Thankfully, the duo, after walking nonstop for hours on end, had finally come to a stop around the center plaza of the shopping center. The three of them all took seats near the water fountain and rested their aching bunions, relaxing as the cool breeze generated by the flowing waters calmed their senses.

"Ah, Japanese culture is truly one of a kind, wouldn't you say, Max," said Sam.

"You can say that again, Sam. Where else can you find a vending machines that dispenses a pair of steaming fresh underwear and hot coffee when you need it most?" replied Max.

"Certainly not in the states, that's for sure, little buddy. I wonder if we can get one of those vending machines delivered to the office. Japan has sold weirder stuff to be sure."

"Ugh..." Midoriya groaned, his face covered by his palms. "Why are we even here? We've been wandering around the shopping center for two hours and all you two have done since then is exchange money, swiped trash and ogle mannequins."

"To be fair, those were some curvaceous mannequins. Grrr," Max growled. "I think I got a chance with one of them. They were giving those bedroom eyes. Eyes like hollowed out pumpkins that just bores into my deadened rabbity soul."

"I just don't get it. Are we even doing anything worthwhile? We're wasting our time wandering around this place," Midoriya grumbled as he slunk down in his seat. "Mineta should've been the one stuck with this gig, not me..."

"Midoriya, you really haven't figured it out yet, have you?" said Sam, which caused Midoriya to perk up.

"What are you talking about? What  _is_  there to talk about?" Midoriya retorted.

"Think about it, sport. In the two hours we've spent here, what can you tell me about this place?" Sam inquired.

"Well for one, the shopping center is absolutely huge. There are so many stores both on the lower floors and in the high rise buildings. Not to mention it's always so busy, even on a weekday. The amount of people here is simply staggering. Even when I was tailing you I almost got..." Midoriya trailed off, a sudden stroke of realization struck him like an errant bolt from the blue and it caused his stomach to lurch.

"You almost got it, kid. Spit it out, you almost got  _what_?" Sam smirked, knowing full well the unpaid intern had finally caught on to his way of thinking.

" _Lost_ ," Midoriya uttered as his expression morphed to one of pure shock. It all made sense now. "People are disappearing from the shopping centers."

"Bingo!" Max exclaimed. "You might just make it as Freelance Police after all, unpaid intern. Keep it up and you might just make senior unpaid intern first-class."

"Nezu debriefed us on the whole situation before we had taken off," Sam said, pulling out a manilla envelope from his jacket's inner pocket, next to a quivering bundle of abnormally large grapes. "According to this file, our villain's modus operandi so far involves abducting people; civilians, heroes and villains, all for some nefarious scheme. Yet no one has been able to track them down. Fortunately, I think I've managed to deduce the source of your issues."

"But-but, heroes have been running through this city with a fine tooth comb since the disappearances began. The best and the brightest have been attempting the deduce the cause of the issue to no avail. If the heroes couldn't do it, and the police were just as clueless, what makes you so sure the shopping center is the grounds for abduction?" Midoriya frantically questioned.

"Call it a hunch." Sam winked.

"The Freelance Police work in mysterious ways, unpaid intern," said Max. "Like the Florida area or male nipples, there are just some things that can't be explained."

"If you're absolutely certain about this, then we should call the association and get someone sent here," Midoriya suggested. "They can take over the investigation."

"Uh uh, no can do, kid." Sam shook his head, pocketing the folder back into his jacket. "Calling up the proper authorities with no idea to what they're up against will take too much time and it'll only serve to spook the rats. In fact, they're probably expecting it. Then you'd be back at square one with even less to go on. If we're gonna do anything it's gotta be fast and unpredictable, preferably with as small a team as possible."

"Then what do you suggest we do?"

"Only the obvious." Sam smirked. "We dispense Freelance Police justice!"

"Sam said the thing! Sam said the thing!" Max exclaimed as he excitedly pulled out his luger. "Well it's about time. I hope you shaved your gonads kid, because we're about to go huevos deep into an active lawnmower! A flaming lawnmower from Hell!"

"Eep!" Midoriya yelped, subconsciously moving his hands over his crotch.

"Perhaps the groin based metaphor was a little much for the intern, Max," Sam chided. "Beside, he should focus on protecting his family jewels. After all, the future of Japan rests with him and his bountiful school of little swimmers."

"Good point, Sam. We ought to make sure his cubes are kept well away from all the shooting and bloodshed," replied Max.

"Please stop talking about my testicles!" Midoriya cried out in horror, only to quickly clamp his hands over his mouth in a panic when he realized he shouted it aloud for all the nearby shoppers to hear. A pair of shoppers in particular, a mother and her young daughter, gasped at his sailor's mouth before she covered up her daughter's ears, shooting looks of the judgemental variety in his direction. They shamed him, and they shamed him good.

"Ugh..." Midoriya groaned, slinking down into his seat. He could feel the proverbial stain upon his reputation like dried on tomato sauce. "Can we please go dispense Freelance Police justice now?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Max grinned devilishly.

* * *

Midoriya absently checked through the support gear currently on his person as he and the Freelance Police trekked towards their destination.

Outside of the hardened supports throughout key points on his costume to help mitigate the backlash from his quirk, his rarely used rebreather, and his even lesser used mask (Seriously. Why does he even keep this thing around anymore? Though aesthetically appealing it's functionality stopped outside of looking the part) he had been handed a few more things to aid in his mission with Sam & Max. Although they came from unofficial sources.

Yaoyorozu had approached him shortly after class and presented him with a few things she had created to help him.

One of the items was a miniscule tracking chip smaller than a grain of rice, similar to the one she had created before the Kamino Ward incident went down. It was paired with a motion tracker module that she possessed. It had been implanted underneath the skin near the base of his neck via an injection. The process was partly invasive and the tracking chip itself itched. He had asked why she couldn't just tape it on him to which Yaoyorozu had replied,

" _It could fall off in the event of a villain attack or get damaged during the fighting. I-_ _ **We**_ _need to make to be aware of your position at any and all times for the duration of the investigation. I'll be sure to remove it when your job is finished._ "

She sounded strangely nervous when she had spoken with him but he had assumed that was just the jitters of being responsible for someone's well being. He had a sneaking suspicion there was more to it than what was said but he trusted her with his life so he dropped the issue.

Now, while he could understand the necessity of a tracker to monitor his moves, the next thing he had received from her was (and he prayed Sam & Max never found out, lest they continue their scores of crotch and testicular based speech with newfound material and renewed fervor) a  **custom fit athletics cup**.

" _Honestly, it's a miracle you've been injured everywhere else but there. Why chance it?_ "

Yaoyorozu was (understandably) red as a tomato when she held the damn thing out to him. Luckily for her he assuaged her growing embarrassment by swiftly taking it off her hands before things became more awkward then they both would've liked. It was made from a titanium ceramic composite woven with a thin layer of kevlar for extra protection. He was almost certain it could stop small arms fire, but why would he want a gun to be aimed there in the first place?

He was almost certain this had something to do with his certain uncertain future. But that wasn't the part that worried him. The cup was real snug, a perfect fit really.  _Almost as if she knew..._

He wasn't going to be indulging in the  _what_  and the  _why_ and blindly accepted it for what it was, a way to protect his groin from strenuous activities or stray blows, which he had gladly accepted with a forced smile and reddened cheeks.

Let's just leave it at that.

Now, those were what Yaoyorozu had given him. Sam & Max didn't know about the tracker or the cup and by All Might's perfect pectorals he was going to keep it that way.

However, Sam & Max did know about the third thing he had on his person. After all, they helped him get it.

It was a  **mateba autorevolver**.

* * *

**Yuuei School for Heroes**

**Locations: Support labs**

**Time: 3 hour ago**

**Premonitions: Weird science loving**

"A gun?" Midoriya sounded absolutely appalled by the idea.

"Yupperoni," said Sam. "It's standard issue for the Freelance Police. If you're gonna be our unpaid intern you need to be properly outfitted with the latest and greatest in firearms technology. Preferably through shady means."

"It's fun to have around, and great for everyday use around the house!" Max cheerfully added. "You can make regular cheese into swiss cheese, hammer in nails, make people dance for your amusement. The possibilities are endless!"

"Don't impose this kind of thing on me, I don't want a gun!" Midoriya fumed. "Don't you care what I think?"

"Who cares what you think, you're our unpaid intern!" Max gleefully reminded to which Midoriya scowled in return.

While the United States isn't particularly touchy about firearms (or gun control for that matter), Japan is. If you weren't a cop or a soldier of the SDF your odds of obtaining a firearm through legal means was slim to none. There were papers to sign, psych evaluations to be had, and bureaucratic nonsense to deal with before the city even considers allowing more paperwork and evaluations to be had in order to purchase a weapon.

The simple fact of it was this; firearms are simply more trouble than they were worth, and unless you were named Snipe and had to rely on their utility to bolster your own situational quirk (and reinforce the ever popular western cowboy theme), it was absolutely worthless to a hero in a world dominated by quirks. Perhaps more importantly, it was worthless to  _him_  since he can shatter concrete like breaking glass or knock around a car like it was a kickball.

"...You're not going to listen to me, are you?" Midoriya grumbled sullenly.

"Not until you rise up the ranks, salad tops," said Max. "Until then, you're subject to my terrible whims! Mwuhahahahaha!"

"Aw, quit hazing the poor kid, Max," Sam chided. "Come on, you two. Let's get this over with so we can get to the desoto."

They had arrived at the support labs where all the students in the support course spent their time whittling away the day making all sorts of gear for their fellows in the hero course.

Power Loader was absent, most likely in a meeting with the rest of the teaching staff. The only other person available at the moment, and the one whom Midoriya always dreaded meeting the most whenever he showed up there for some upgrades, was  _Mei Hatsume_.

The eccentric pink headed mad scientist was up to her usual tricks; hammering, soldering, and drilling away at some godforsaken contraption built under the singular premise of ' _it just works_ ' with the same level of unbridled enthusiasm she had for the last thing she made. And the thing before that, and the thing before that, and so forth.

It was going well, up until the infernal thing violently erupted in her face and sent her careening towards the trio in a trail of smoke and loose shrapnel.

Thinking fast, Midoriya hopped to action and deftly plucked Hatsume out of the air, but unfortunately joined her along for the ride as they flew out of the doorframe and crashed into the edge of the hallway. He made sure to press her against his chest, cushioning the impact she would've suffer by enduring it in her stead. This was the second time another one of Hatsume's catastrophic malfunctions had brought the two together in the most peculiar way.

"By the seven foot tall frisky fish men of Innsmouth, New Jersey! You alright, kid!" Sam exclaimed, running over to assist the poor boy and his companion up to their feet.

"I-I'm fine... Not the first time this has happened to me," Midoriya groaned, feeling the audible pops of his sore joints with a thorough stretch.

"Looks like you caught some air there, salad tops," Max quipped.

"Whoo!" Hatsume cheered, sounding as chipper as ever and looking no worse for wear in spite of the black soot staining her person. "I'm never doing that again! I better make a note of it." She turned to Midoriya, smiling brightly. "Thanks for the save there, bones. You're real handy to have around."

"I-er... Y-you're welcome," Midoriya grinned sheepishly, flushing pink for a split second.

"So, what brings you and the admittedly untrustworthy Freelance Police to my little haven of havoc?" Hatsume asked amicably.

"Well, little missy. We're here to get a gun for our unpaid intern, highly irresponsible as it may sound," Sam explained.

"That's because it is," Midoriya replied dryly.

"Wow, that sounds wicked illegal." Hatsume blinked, losing her smile.

"It sure does!" Max said. "So, I'm thinking we go big. I'm talking heavy nickel plated long barrel revolver frame, double action, five round cylinder, muzzle brake, and tasteful mahogany grip. And for the bullets, we're gonna need something big enough to stop a rampaging cyborg elephant in its tracks. We want folks to know what hit 'em when salad tops sends a chunk of their torso on an all expense paid trip into the next country over."

"...Maybe a small comfortable piece is more his speed," Sam suggested. "We'll let you be the judge of what he needs."

"Gee, I dunno," Hatsume scratched the back of her neck. "I'm already in hot water with Power Loader for overloading part of the city's power grid last weekend. The last thing I need is for him to get on my case about creating illicit firear-"

"We'll wire you a literal boatload of cash as a bribe," Max interrupted with corrupt presidential practice.

"Let's go make ourselves a gun!" Hatsume smiled brightly once more, dragging everyone into the hardware labs by the sleeves of their shirts (or in Max's case, the fur of his arm).

She got to work almost immediately, sketching out designs and schematics before grabbing both a heavy chunk of metal and piece of wooden scrap and dumping it into a large industrial milling machine. After inputting a few commands onto the console with spider-like grace the machine was set into glorious motion. All that's left to do was to wait.

In the meantime, Hatsume got curious about the trio and decided to bring up some small talk.

"So, bones. I heard you got the short end of the stick with tweedle dee and tweedle wee here," she said, taking pleasure in Midoriya's visual discomfort.

"It wasn't my choice. Not that I had one to begin with," Midoriya grumbled bitterly, folding his arms in.

"Ah, cheer up, bones. I'm sure it's nothing you can't handle," Hatsume assured. "Besides, I've heard through the grapevine that you've got a lot going for you in the future. Don't you, playboy?" She had a wry smile on her face, the kind that made your skin crawl at the sight of it. Midoriya, red faced, tried to protest but felt only dry air escape his throat. She thought he looked irresistibly cute when he squirmed under her thumb like that.

"You got that right, lassie," Max chipped in. "Salad tops over there is gonna punch up Japan's numbers, one hip thrust at a time. This boy and his swimmers are gonna be doing laps around the nation's genepool like they were training for the olympics."

"I'm fairly certain his ancestor is Genghis Khan. And if he is he would've been real proud of his descendants taking the initiative," Sam added.

"Sam! Max!" Midoriya shouted, his hands clenched in a tight fist.

"Wow. I have to say, bones, I'm surprised. Underneath that innocent act of yours you're really a suave casanova," Mei playfully teased. "Gotta say, I'm a little jealous of the other girls."

"Now that you bring it up, I thought you look kind of familiar," said Sam, squinting his eyes. "Those unmistakable pink dreads, that mischievous smile, those striking eyes. Little missy, stow that jealousy away, because I know for a fact you're another one of Midoriya's future gal pals. Congratulations!"

"Really?!" Hatsume's eyes widened considerably before they turned a heated gaze towards Midoriya. He fidgeted uncomfortably under it. With her unique irises it made the stare look all the more predatory. Like a tiger eyeing its next meal, or a sniper zeroing on his target. " _Really_..."

She suddenly leaned in real close to Midoriya, so close that they were practically nose to nose, making sure to press her ample bosom against his chest to make a very bold statement. Whatever heroic willpower Midoriya had displayed in the past was essentially nonexistent here. He felt hot and bothered and judging from the ever growing smile present on Hatsume's face she wanted him that way.

Midoriya took cautious steps backwards from Hatsume's assertiveness. For each step forward Hatsume took he took two stumbling back. Before long he felt the wall of the lab stop him dead in his tracks, leaving him at her mercy.

"H-Hatsu-" Midoriya opened his mouth to speak, only to be shushed by Hatsume placing a calloused finger upon his lips.

"Shh..." She quietly shushed. "Mei."

"Whua-"

"Call me, Mei," she asserted.

"M-Mei," Midoriya uttered. It felt strange to refer to her by her first name, and at the same time oddly exciting. The only other girl he called by their first name was Tsuyu and that was only because she was real particular about it.

"Hmm, I like the sound of that," Mei cooed. "So,  _Izuku_ ," the use of his first name didn't go unnoticed by the boy, and the way it rolled off her tongue felt like the taste of a fine wine, "you sly dog you. You didn't just come here for a fancy new toy, did you?" Her warm breath tickled his nose.

"I-er... Well, you see," he fumbled with his words. Hatsume was so close to him, he could smell the mix of smoke and fruit scented body wash emanating from her person.

"Hey, look. Salad tops is getting all sweaty again," Max gleefully commented.

"You wanted to spend time with little ol' me?" Mei pressed, in more ways than one. "That's real sweet of you. Makes the thought of sharing you all the more tolerable."

"Y-you don't mind?" Midoriya replied without thinking, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat. Max's premonitions of his future were worryingly accurate.

"Oh, I mind alright," Mei's eyes narrowed dangerously before softening up. "But I know for a fact that sweet little ol' you will treat us girls just fine. You're a gentleman like that. Mmhmm..."

"Aw, it truly warms my heart to see passionate young folk declare their love for one another, wouldn't you say so, Max?" Sam asked.

"I think I can feel my lunch coming back up," Max dry heaved. "I yearn to destroy such happiness. The sight of it drives me to do violence. Well, more than usual."

The Freelance Police's musings aside, Mei had Izuku right where she wanted him.

Truth be told she didn't know when she had fallen for the boy.

The scarce moments they shared together was in the labs. Their interactions were brief, and it was almost always about business. That being said, for all the nervousness he displayed around her, he always went to her specifically for his support gear maintenance because he trusted her with his stuff. He even admitted as much. It made her feel special. And just like that he had unknowingly sowed the seeds of affection long before Sam & Max foretold his future.

Now, she was just getting a headstart with the relationship. And all it took was one teeny tiny centimeter of space between their lips that needed to be closed to seal the deal...

*Ding!*

...Or at least that would've been the case, if the milling machine hadn't announced that it had just completed its appointed task.

Saved by the bell, Midoriya was spared a loving kiss from Hatsume's lip by a fraction of a second. She pouted, but was otherwise fine with the turnout. After all, there will be plenty of chances to be had in the coming days.

She pulled away, making a small note of the relief that washed over his features as she did so, and proceeded to pull out all the newly formed weapon parts before going on to assemble the weapon with practiced ease. It wasn't anything she would make, but since it was for her present-future boyfriend/lover/husband/soulbound life partner she didn't mind it too much.

The weapon itself was a unique variant on the design. Instead of a matte black finish, it had a matte silver finish. She couldn't be bothered to darken the metal and really the only thing she put any actual effort in (and by that we're referring to the milling machine) was the tasteful wooden grips which while light in color had been etched with a texture for easier handling. Other than that it functioned normally for a rushed piece. At least, she  _hoped_  it did.

"And voila, one brand spanking new shooting iron, hot off the presses," Hatsume dryly announced as she casually chucked the thing to Midoriya, who caught it out if the air. "It's based on the Italian mateba autorevolver design. A cool looking piece to be sure but it'll only be able to stop the cyborg half of the rampaging cyborg elephant. Don't ask me for ammunition, the gun was pushing it as is."

"That's fine, we got a whole buncha extras in the trunk of the desoto," said Sam. "Anywho, that's for the assistance pinkilocks. If we ever need anything else, we'll be sure to stop by and do further business with you."

"With another boatload of cash! You can count on that ya pink haired ratafarian," Max added.

"It's really the only way I'll do anything for you two dolts," Hatsume shrugged. "But I'm charging more next time, and the boat holding all that money better be bigger."

"To be honest, we really wouldn't have it any other way. The transaction has been convoluted and entirely unreasonable. Reminds me of home," said Sam nostalgically.

"Yeah, it's become sort of a tradition for us to be bilked out of countless millions all for something so trivial," Max quipped. "It usually works out in the end, even if Sam & I have to do a death defying trapeze act through a bunch of flaming hoops. But what are you gonna do in this terrible economy?"

"Whatever, long as I get compensated for my thankless work. Then I'd have a backup windfall in case Power Loader finally decides he's had enough of my shenanigans," Hatsume said, her smile returning as she turned to address Midoriya. "And as for you, mister, you better stay alive so you can take me out on a date, got that?"

"Y-yes, Hatsu-" a sudden pout from Hatsume reminded him to use her first name, "...M-Mei." Hatsume's smile returned.

"I'm never gonna get tired of that," Hatsume sighed dreamily. "Now go on and do whatever it is Freelance Police do. You know, aside from traumatizing teenagers."

"I think your country's secret giant robot organization already has that one covered, in spades I might add," Sam commented.

"Yeah. Japan, with all their advances in the modern sciences, has found a surefire way to traumatize teenagers. Just stuff 'em in a giant robot," Max joined in. "In the words of the almighty Ron Popeil: ' _you set it and forget it_!'"

"I'm just gonna go ahead and ignore that," Midoriya deadpanned, grimacing at the newly acquired weapon in his hand. "I really hope I don't have to use this."

"You never know, kid. Superpowers can only do so much and there's nothing on God's green earth that a good aim and some hot lead couldn't fix," Sam reasoned.

"When your powers go kaput, you'll be glad you're packing some serious heat," said Max.

"I won't hold my breath," replied Midoriya, stuffing the damnable thing into his costume pocket.

"Let's get going. I've got a spare holster harness in the trunk of the desoto you can use," said Sam.

"It's right next to all those educational posters," Max grinned fiendishly. The two students in the room involuntarily shuddered at the memory of the horrid image. They prayed it would never get used ever again.

"I'd leave now if I were you. Seeya," Hatsume waved goodbye. "But you, Izuku. Come by and see me sometimes when you get the chance. I'll be waiting." She winked to the boy just as the three all left the labs in relative peace.

"Nice lass," said Max. "She's so much more cooperative than Bosco."

"That's not much of a stretch, Max," said Sam. "But she and the Geek would've gotten along as the best of pals."

"...Say, Sam."

"Yeah, little pal?"

"Have we been speaking Japanese this whole time, or are we listening to everyone in english?"

"Well the answer to that is actually quite simple. So simple that a baby could understand it. For you se-"

* * *

The memory stops there.

All Midoriya knew was that the uncomfortable weight of the weapon holstered on his left side left him partly unbalanced and consciously nervous. It was currently loaded with three-fifty-seven magnum rounds, packing enough stopping power to make the average thug rethink their life choices or make Kirishima feel inadequate (if not severely injured or outright dying the death). He doesn't have any plans on using it if he can help it.

Stowing away the weapon, he focused on the task at hand. The Freelance Police had finally reached their destination: a haute couture clothing shop near the transit and subway lines.

It was a moderately large building, a few hundred square feet at the most, and boasted a wide collection of the hip up-to-date fashions that trendy teenagers and wealthy patrons love to flaunt. Busy as the shopping center might've been the store was unusually vacant with few shoppers insides. Although if the prices present on the windows were anything to go by unless you had a five figure salary or sold a few internal organs good luck buying anything there.

Midoriya was bewildered.

"People are being abducted here?" He asked.

"Not  _abducted_. Not if my hunch is correct," said Sam. "But my doggie detective senses have deduced that this is the place. It's the perfect spot to commit a crime."

"It is?" Midoriya scratched at his head.

"Yup. It's oddly secluded for a place so crammed with hustle and bustle, but is close enough to all that ruckus to make it seem like its apart of it all. Furthermore," Sam gestured to the trains nearby, "it has access to both the transit and the subway line. A convenient method of transportation. Whoever's doing this, they have picked the best spot to move things around the city without fear of recourse."

"You can't be serious," Midoriya was skeptical. "All I see is a clothing store too rich for my blood. If people are going missing here, then how can they use the trains without getting caught? Train police are a thing, you know. And the area around the station is always under surveillance. Without some sort of quirk or dirty double dealings I can't think of a way for people being moved by the trains without raising suspicion over the last two months."

"Well, we're about to find out now. Aren't we?" Sam winked.

With some slight trepidation, Midoriya followed through with Sam's hunch and followed both him and Max into the store. Little did he know what would happen next would make his position as an unpaid intern all the more difficult...


	7. Episode 6 - Cop Blocked

**Yamashiko's Haute Couture & Premium Businesswears**

**Time: around 5-ish, but who's counting?**

**Business: Slow as molasses**

**Freelance Police: About to fix that problem**

_Yamashiko's Haute Couture & Premium Businesswears_.

As stated previously, the storefront sold a wide variety of clothing in the latest styles and fashion trends from all manner of high end brands both foreign and domestic. These brands were highly respected the world over and commanded an asking price that was worth more than the combined annual salary of Yuuei's teaching staff several times over. Unless your last name was Yaoyorozu, you should probably be shopping for clothes somewhere else.

The building itself was fairly large, modern looking and was every bit as ostentatious as the products it sold. It had a large brightly lit sign that flickered elegantly with the store's name which was curiously presented in english rather than japanese, perhaps in part of the fact that a majority of their products are based on western designs.

Yet even with all of its eye catching appeal, the store was more or less vacant with enough people in it to count on one hand; Sam's four fingered hand to be precise. The only people visible through the large glass window walls was an unusually chipper clerk and a young lady who seemed more interested in some cheap novelty than the clothes themselves, and immediately afterward she had left without ceremony.

Midoriya stared at Yamashiko's Haute Couture & Premium Businesswears with a mix of wonder and bemusement. Contrary to its grandiose appearance it really was strangely out of place for a shopping center with such high energy. At a glance customer traffic was practically nonexistent and it felt like the store didn't even register with him half of the time because of how empty it looked.

Yet for all of its mundane shortcomings Sam had somehow managed to deduce that the store in question was the source of the rampant bouts of freak disappearances for the last two months, or at the very least was complicit in some way, shape or form.

Now, Midoriya was skeptical about the deduction but couldn't go against it. There was no way he could debunk Sam's claim and if he was right by even the smallest of margins then it was his duty as their unfortunate unpaid intern to follow through with the Freelance Police and assist them however he can as well as rein them in if they get too rowdy. The former he could do, the latter, probably not.

Solving the mystery of the disappearances was what's important. For the time being he had chosen to stow his prejudice against the Freelance Police.

* * *

The Freelance Police casually entered the store, taking note of the cool air and chic decor. Tall elongated misshapen mannequins dressed in stylish fashions greeted them as they trekked to the counter, the chipper clerk behind it had an unnerving smile plastered on her face.

"Konichiwa!" The clerk proclaimed rather enthusiastically. She was a dainty clean cut lady with unassuming features and long brown hair dressed in an immaculate black suit. It was hard to tell whether she was quirkless or not. "My name is Rai Kitigawa. How may I help you gentlemen?"

"Lady, we're the Freelance Po- Mmph mmph mmph?" Max opened his mouth to speak but was muzzled by Sam's hands as they were clamped over his mouth. He gave him a look.

"What my little buddy here is trying to say is that we're Freelance  _Journalists_  from overseas working on a tourism column about Musutafu City and the best places you've just got to visit," said Sam, subtly signalling for the others to follow his lead.

"Really?" Max looked confused. "But I thought we were here to-"

" _Freelance Journalists from overseas working on a tourism column_ ," Sam bluntly reiterated as he motioned over to Midoriya. "And this here is our easily embarrassed baby-faced city guide: Izuku Midoriya. He's the one that suggested us this place."

"Izuku Midoriya?" The clerk looked shocked. "As in, the incredible young hero that stopped Overhaul?"

"Y-yeah. That's me..." Midoriya flushed at the mention.

"It's an honor to be referred to by a rising star!" Rai exclaimed. "Please, ask me whatever you like. Yamashiko's Haute Couture & Premium Businesswears aims to provide the absolute best service to our valued customers."

"Well, that sure is swell to hear," said Sam, pulling out a notebook and a pen. "Now, let's start with some basic and in absolutely no way interrogatory questions. Question number one: what exactly is this store?"

"Yeah, what is it? It smells like potpourri and pretentiousness in here," said Max.

"Yamashiko's Haute Couture & Premium Businesswears is the premier storefront for all your professionally crafted clothing needs. We sell clothing and accessories from popular brands all over the world; France, Italy, Spain, Germany and the United States just to name a few as well as a few domestic brands too," replied Rai. "You won't find a better selection of brand name clothing anywhere else."

"I'll say," Midoriya breathed. "This place is filled to the brim with expensive clothes."

"Pfft. The US treasury could cover all of that," Max mentioned.

"Not the best time to bring up your ability to abuse your presidential powers, Max," whispered Sam.

"I'm sorry, presidential powers?" Midoriya did a double take at the nonchalant response. "Is that his quirk?"

"It's nothing important, Midoriya. Let's just get back on track," Sam cleared his throat before continuing his line of question. "Ms. Kitigawa, my naive and soon-to-be-wedded-to-multiple-women city guide has raised an interesting point. These are some pricey pieces. Must be difficult to stay open without good traffic, let alone finding a customer worth shelling out the green for Italian leather and silk."

"O-oh," Rai recoiled ever so slightly from Sam's observations. "It's true we don't get many customers, but the ones we do are more than enough to keep the storefront up and running for just a little while longer."

"Mmhmm, likely story..." Sam muttered.

"Can I start shooting now, Sam?" Max eagerly asked, his trigger finger twitching with anticipation.

"Keep it in your pants, chowderhead," Sam mumbled in reply. "Ahem, excuse me. My little buddy here is sick in the head and quick to action, been that way since we were youngins. Anywho. Question number two: How secure would you say this place is?"

"That's an... unusual question to ask. Why would you need to add that in your column?" said Rai.

"Just want our readers to know about how safe it is to shop here," Sam shrugged. "After all, Musutafu city seems to have a constant issue with cliche megalomaniacal supervillains fraught with lazy motivation and oversaturated in-your-face marketing practices."

"Oh! Of course, of course. Silly me," Rai breathed a sigh of relief. "But you should be glad to know that we're very secure thanks to the hard work of all the professional heroes keeping the peace. Such as Midoriya over there."

"O-oh, it's no problem. Just doing my job," Midoriya replied as he grew bright red. He was still having trouble handling praise.

"Good to hear," Sam nodded. "So you've never had a robbery or a burglary before?"

"Not a one. Our heroes are just that good," Rai replied a matter o'factly.

"Yeah, but word on the street is that they've been having some trouble recently, right? People have been vanishing into thin air and whatnot and no one has been able to put a stop to it. Makes you think, doesn't it?"

"It's been a terrible few months, true, but I have hopes that it'll be over soon. The heroes will find the one responsible and bring them to justice!"

"If you say so, lady. Alright, this is the last question," Sam's usual jovial expression flashed serious for single moment, a real blink and you'll miss it type. The next thing that came out of his mouth turned the entire conversation onto its head. "How long have you been  _hypnotizing_ people?"

"...Excuse me?" Rai looked bewildered but at the same time she had broken into a cold sweat, something that didn't go unnoticed by Midoriya. "I-I don't understand the question."

"Ooh... you smell that, salad tops? That's the unmistakable scent of  _fear_. It smells like week old bacon grease and Vick's vapor rub!" Max grinned devilishly. "She's definitely hiding something, Sam! Put the squeeze on her!"

"What? She is?" Midoriya snapped to attention, directing his gaze to Rai who shrank beneath accusatory glare of the Freelance Journalists.

"You might as well spill it, miss. The jig is up. We know you're a apart of the disappearances," Sam pressed. "Make it easier for all of us and just come clean."

"Or don't, then we can do things the fun way!" Max added, brandishing his luger to punctuate his point. "So please, by all means. Lie to us."

"I'm telling you, I-I have no idea what you're talking about!" Rai was a panicked mess at this point. To any outside observer she was being harassed by strangers and a well known rookie for something seemingly asinine. "P-please, I don't know what you want from me! Just leave me alone!"

"Sam, Max! Explain to me what the hell is going on here?!" Midoriya demanded. "It's not going to look good for either of us if you're harassing an innocent woman for no reason!"

"Oh, she's far from innocent. Midoriya, take a look at that strange collection of novelty pinwheels over by the counter," said Sam, to which Midoriya complied.

There was a set of pinwheels nearby the counter. Childish toys of all colors with flashy plastic film and psychedelic patterns. How did he not notice this before? It was just as out of place as the store was in the shopping center. It didn't match the decor in the slightest and hurt to look at. That wasn't even in a figurative sense. He could feel the back of his head throb with a migraine with each passing second he kept his eyes glued to it.

However, the longer he kept his stare against the pinwheel the less the migraine hurt and the more it became a hazy numbing sensation. The designs on the pinwheels appeared to undulate and ripple all on its own as it began turning to an ethereal breeze. It lulled him into a sense of ease, softly, gently. He caught himself beginning to nod off in spite of being wholly awake.

Midoriya attempted to fight against the sensation but to no avail. He could feel his inhibition lower and his consciousness slip in between wakefulness and peaceful slumber. His motor functions were soon lost to him, but he was still standing. Slowly, he lost sight of what he was doing or how he even got to where he was. Whatever willpower he had left was being bled from him like blood from an open wound.

Eventually, his eyes glazed over and he was left no different than a drooling zombie susceptible to the beck and call of another.

* * *

But just when it felt like he was lost in the abyss of his own mind a sharp blow to the head brought him back to his senses.

"Ooh... What... What happened?" Midoriya groaned, clutching onto his head as it ached with pain, his muddled mind becoming clear once more. "I... I think I was gone for a moment there."

"Midoriya, what happened to you will take hours to properly explain. So I'll say it in a way that you'll understand.  _You_. Still with me here, kid? Got your egg salad  _hypnotized_ ," Sam elaborated slowly.

"Yeah, like a teenager on a smartphone, or a fat guy with a french cruller," Max quipped.

"Hyp-hypnotized?" Midoriya repeated, fumbling with his words. "I-I just looked at the pinwheels a-and I... Ugh, my head..."

"If it weren't for Max pistol whipping you over the head you'd be left a slobbering hunchback dead-eyed thrall at the mercy of some horrible puppet master," Sam explained. "Speaking of which," he turned to face Rai, who by then appeared more furious than she was scared. Something was definitely amiss now. "Miss Kitigawa, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm going to have to ask you all to leave," Rai seethed through gritted teeth, dropping the innocent woman act like a lacey bra before a seedy pervert.

"Oh-ho-ho, not without you, sweet cheeks," Max retorted

"Am I to expect a couple of Freelance Journalist and a lame snot nosed brat to take me in?" Rai huffed, crossing her arms and adopting an authoritarian demeanor.

"That's  _Freelance Police_ to you, lady," Sam proclaimed with a flash of his badge. "Buck up, Midoriya. Time to spring into action."

"I still don't know what's going on..." Midoriya shook his head, shaking away most of the grogginess and snapped to attention. "But I'd advise you come along quietly, miss. There doesn't need to be any trouble."

"Pfft, what's she gonna do? Lock us in the store and pick us off one by one?" Max snarked, something he and the rest would instantly regret a heartbeat later.

"Funny you should mention that," Rai quipped with a wry smirk.

She flipped some kind of switch behind the counter and all of a sudden the lights in the store began flashing sporadically as the windows were sealed one by one with thick slabs of reinforced metal. The once chic store had been transformed into a claustrophobic iron cage and the Freelance Police were the unfortunate victims caught in the middle of it all. All the while, Rai triggered her quirk and began shifting into a sort of grotesque bug-human hybrid.

Her hair bristled and out came a pair of thin antennae twitching in anticipation. The suit she wore bursted into shreds of loose fabrics at the lower abdomen to reveal a pair of long chitinous insectoid limbs armed with a sharp pincer strong enough to crush a lead pipe. The whole of her body then lurched forward, elongating at the torso in several overlapping segments of tough pseudo-exoskeleton that extended her height far beyond her dainty appearance.

But the most horrifying aspect of it all was when her lower jaw split apart right down the middle. Rows of razor sharp teeth lined her split maw like a twisted facsimile of a pencil sharpener. To make matters worse, two serrated mandibles emerged from some hidden sack somewhere in her neck. It flexed and twitched sporadically in smooth eerie clawing motions causing members of the Freelance Police to recoil in disgust.

"I don't know how you managed to piece it together, but I've got a good thing going here and I won't let you ruin it!" She angrily declared, voiced disturbingly distorted and punctuated by guttural clicking noises, as she climbed over the counter, towering easily four heads over Midoriya and a solid two over Sam, the latter of which was already an impressive six feet in height. The Freelance Police instinctively began to back up with each step of her lumbering advance, hate burning in her eyes and a killing intent so palpable you could cut it with a knife.

"Freelance Police, professional hero.  **You all die the same**!"

"You just had to open your mouth, didn't you, Max?" Midoriya admonished as she steadily assumed a fighting stance.

"Cut me some slack, salad tops. How was I supposed to know the clerk would end up being some hideous freak of nature bug-human hybrid with powerful scything claws and a face that only a mother could love?" Max casually shrugged.

"Heh-heh! It's exactly that kind of response that makes you my favorite little furball in the whole wide world. You kill me, little buddy," Sam bellowed jovially.

"Not unless the crazy clerk lady does it first," Midoriya quipped grimly.

"Ha! Good one. We'll make a Freelance Police out of you yet, Midoriya," Sam replied as he pulled out his large revolver. "Remind me to promote you to unpaid deputy once we're finished squashing this bug!"


	8. Episode 7 - Ride Along Rampage

Rai collapsed with a heavy slump over a pile of ruined clothing and shattered wooden scraps as the dust finally settled from her climactic battle with the Freelance Police. The battle itself was long and arduous, fraught with several near death moments, witty one liners, and more child inappropriate levels of physical violence than you can shake a stick at. But through it all the Freelance police had triumphed in the end, no doubt in part because of the secret weapon they had pulled to end it all in one swift blow.

(Seriously, you had to be there to see it. It was probably the best fight as a whole for both series. It was the perfect blend of pulse pounding action, witty commentary, and limited flashbacks. And the best part? No filler. Yeah, that's right. It was all battle, all the time. No cutaways, cop out endings or long winded expositions from side characters. Just pure unfettered action in its most intense. It really was a once in a lifetime opportunity.)

Midoriya panted heavily as the heart pumping adrenaline coursing through his veins slowly subsided. His costume was badly torn in several places, discolored bruises and long jagged scratches marred his exposed skin. Exhaustion wracked his body, if it weren't his intense endurance training he most likely would've collapsed on the spot. He allowed himself a moment's reprieve, leaning up against one of the store's support columns to gather his bearings.

Sam & Max faired just a tad better compared to their recently promoted deputy in spite of being in the thick of the action. The worse Sam got was a few holes in his jacket after narrowly dodging a swipe from Rai's chitinous forelimbs while Max had received some acid burns and a nasty shiner after being used as a furry rabbit shaped baseball bat by Sam. Needless to say, everyone was more or less in one piece after duking it out with one irate store clerk.

"Holy Martin Luther snowboarding on the sunny desert dunes of the Swiss Alps! That was one heck of a hardcore hootenanny, wouldn't you say, little buddy?" said Sam, setting down Max as the lagomorph began shaking off his injuries, quite literally.

"The broad was a lot tougher than she looked, Sam. I didn't think she ejaculate her caustic stomach acid at us through her horrific mandible and teeth filled maw in a putrid ball of partially digested sushi and other indiscernible foul smelling fluids," said Max, shuddering at the thought. He turned his bulbous melon shaped head to address Midoriya. "How ya doing newly promoted deputy?"

"I'm fine. Just a little banged up is all. Nothing I haven't dealt with before," Midoriya grunted as he limped towards with the duo. "It's a good thing you had that bug bomb on you, Sam. Otherwise it would've been all over for us."

"And to think, you started lecturing him about hoarding all the supposedly random junk he found laying around in seemingly innocuous places that had no real connection to one another whatsoever," Max chided. "You really gotta start listening to us professionals, kid."

"Soon as you give me a good reason to," Midoriya remarked.

"How about the fact we finally got that lead your superiors have been so desperate to obtain," Max shot back.

"Will either of you finally tell me what's so important that we nearly got eviscerated over?" Midoriya huffed, hacking a mouthful of blood filled spittle to the floor.

"Well, since you asked so nicely, we'll be more than glad to give you an in-depth explanation on the earth shattering revelation that we've just recently discovered before our fateful duel," Sam chipped in.

"Might as well grab yourself some popcorn, Midoriya, Sam's about to go on one of his infamous expositions," Max nudged at Midoriya's side.

"Gather round you two and let Sam regale you of the dangers of hypnotism and human trafficking. For you see, Yamashiko's Haute Couture & Premium Businesswears has been guilty of both in order to perpetuate some yet to be discovered secret, no doubt of the horrific and/or appalling variety," Sam regaled eloquently. "To understand the complexity of the malicious scheme we must first go back to the very beginning of all creation and talk about the big bang. The monumental explosion of universal proportions that seeded the ebony void with stars, planets and later lif-"

"Get to the friggin point, Sam!" Max interjected. "I can feel my head overloading with every two syllable word that comes out of your mouth."

"Oh, right. Your short attention span. I forgot about that," said Sam, smiling sheepishly. "Long story short, the store clerk has been hypnotizing unsuspecting customers into disappearing."

"...That's it?" Midoriya had an incredulous look on his face. "I was expecting something more, I don't know... impactful? I guess. Although it probably had to do with the one sentence synopsis of the situation you gave us."

"You can't expect a lot of pizzazz from such a simple explanation," Sam shrugged. "But since you clearly don't look shocked or excited I'll give you the extended version. Miss Kitigawa had been hypnotizing unsuspecting patrons using those colorful pinwheels. And if my hunch is correct, she must have handed them specific orders to disappear through your city's sprawling mass transit railway system of their own volition. Hence, the unexplainable disappearances. And if I had to assume, she's not the only one involved."

"That's... It all makes sense now." At last, a look of shock had crossed Midoriya's features. His eyes widened as logic slowly began to work itself out within the depths of his mind.

"That's why the heroes have been having so much trouble trying to find the missing persons. All this time the search teams and investigators have been scrounging for clues of kidnappings. But there were no signs of a desperate struggle or seamless abduction. It was as if they all had vanished into thin air. The idea of hypnotism probably didn't get brought up."

"That's because hypnotism is stupid!" Max jeered. "Sam and I already had our fair share of hypnotism based cases back when we saved the world."

"And how," Sam nodded along. "Never thought we'd ever have to deal with it again."

"You two did not save the world," Midoriya replied derisively.

"That's not what the title of our hit video game says," Max wittily remarked.

* * *

**Sam & Max: Save the World**

**AVAILABLE NOW!**

**\- Also available -**

**Sam & Max: Hit the Road**

**Sam & Max: Beyond Time and Space**

**Sam & Max: The Devil's Playhouse**

**Sam & Max: The Animated Series**

**Buy'em today, or Max will find you!**

* * *

"Now that we got that shameless bit of self promotion out of the way, what do you say we take in the bug babe for...  _interrogation_ ," he uttered darkly with a mischievous glint twinkling in his beady little shark eyes. "In case you didn't catch the subtext, deputy, by interrogation I of course am referring to cold blooded torture."

"Yeah, that ain't happening," Midoriya grumbled as he turned around. "Alright, miss Rai. You're coming... with... us?" He trailed off quizzically, baffled at the missing body of their assailant that was just hunched over a pile of clothing not five minutes earlier. "S-she's gone!"

Max turned to Sam, his hands on his hip as he addressed him. "Nice going Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Your long winded explanation of the universe cost us our suspect!"

"Ease up, Max. There's no way she could've gotten far," replied Sam, searching for clues. Sure enough, Rai had left behind a trail of expensive clothing in the wake of her escape into the back room. The faint flickering of her grotesquely shaped shadows against the wall was further punctuated by the flashing red lights and skittering click-clack of shoes. "Quickly! Follow that revolting arthropod!"

Without missing a beat, the Freelance Police sprung into action and began tailing their suspect. They chased Rai's shadow, dodging and ducking under all the junk and other miscellaneous backroom stock that she tipped over to slow their advance. Before long they escaped Yameshiko's Haute Couture & Premium Businesswears, and were greeted with the warm glow of the evening sun bearing down on their battered selves.

Over on the corner of their eyes they could make out some sort of commotion near the transit station. Off in the distance the telltale form of a harried woman with shredded clothing had hastily boarded a train, no doubt in an effort to elude her pursuers.

"She's getting away!" shouted Midoriya. "The city's underground is a maze. We'll never find her if she escapes."

"Mark my words, we'll catch her, deputy. Everyone, to the desoto!" Sam proclaimed, running off with Max to their beloved possessed hell wagon. Midoriya did so as well, although with less enthusiasm than his superiors.

"Are you sure we can't just chase her on foot?" he asked pleadingly.

"With tubby here?" Max quipped, jabbing a cursory thumb towards Sam. "Yeah, I don't think so, salad tops."

"Stow it with the jabs at my weight chowderhead and get in the car. You too, Midoriya," Sam commanded, flinging himself onto the driver's seat. Max and Midoriya soon joined him, the latter reluctantly so.

"So, how are going to do this?" Midoriya inquired. "Are we going to try and cut her off at the next station or wha- aaaaaaAAAAAAAAH!" He was cut short by his own screaming as Sam slammed his foot on the gas pedal and rocketed them towards the transit station at ludicrous speeds accompanied by the sound of screeching tires and impending justice.

Sam drove with reckless abandon as Max sat by casually, admiring the blistering pace they were going at. Midoriya found himself gripping the side of the car as it bumped and shook through the station, rattling unnervingly so as Sam crashed straight through the entry booth, driving past all the fleeing citizens and straight onto the tracks where he continued their pursuit of the runaway store clerk in the tunnels.

* * *

The winds whipped past Midoriya's face like gentle slaps of air as the desoto sped through the railways, right beside the train Rai had boarded as an escape. The loud clatter of the tracks, screeching metal and bright subterranean lamps assaulted his every sense as he struggled to keep his cool throughout the chase. It's difficult when you are riding backseat in a metal death trap with no seat belts.

Through the train's windows he could see the bewildered looks of the passengers' faces, no doubt concerned of the possibility that the Freelance Police could potentially be flattened by the sheer metal bulk of an oncoming train. Amongst the gaggle of confused passenger he spied Rai peering over the shoulder of an onlooker, her eyes widening with fear as she did.

Pulling out his megaphone, Max began addressing the train's occupant accusingly.

" *Bzzt* Attention all passengers! This is the Freelance Police! You are harboring a known criminal! Stop this train at once and hand her over or we will open fire! Or don't, I'll shoot either way! It's only a matter of how much you value your lives!" Almost immediately the passengers began panicking, if only because they don't know who the criminal is and because Max had threatened to shoot up a train full or innocent commuters if they didn't give her up.

Frowning, Midoriya snatched the megaphone away from Max and attempted to rectify the open threat. "H-he won't actually be shooting at you! But we are looking for a criminal! It's the lady with ripped clothes! She's dangerous! Stay away from her!"

"I'd do what the deputy says if I were you!" Max gleefully proclaimed as he reached into the glove box and, to the horror of everyone save for Sam, pulled out a fully loaded tommy gun, drum magazine and all. "But I'll still be shooting anyway! Say cheese!" Midoriya's eyes shrank to pinpricks just as Max casually pulled back the weapon's bolt and took aim. With a squeeze of a trigger, all Hell broke loose.

***DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!***

The passengers didn't have to think twice as they all hit the deck just as Max began cackling jovially like the id driven maniac he is, letting loose a hail of bullets that shattered glass, punched through steel, and cause a fair share of commuters to lose control of their bowels. The screams of the innocent mixed with his own malicious laughter and spine tingling rat-ta-ta-tat-tat of the tommy gun was the stuff of nightmares.

***DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!***

Midoriya ducked his head to the side, covering his ears as Max practically spelt his damn name on the side of the train with hot lead, which wouldn't be at all unlikely. He quietly cursed Principal Nezu for putting him through this, he cursed Sam & Max for being a bunch of unprofessional loose cannon cops, and most of all, he cursed himself for getting out of bed in the morning. If he ever had to do anything like this again it'll be too soon.

***DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!* *DAKKA!***

"Careful not to hit anyone other than the clerk, Max! And make sure it's only to wound! We wouldn't want a repeat of Quebec!" Sam yelled over the gunfire.

"What was that, Sam! I can't hear you over the gunfire and the terrified screams of the innocent!" Max yelled back, clearly having the time of his life.

Meanwhile, Rai Kitigawa cowered in terror as the lunatic lagomorph razed the hull of the train to the tune of a madman's lullaby. A few of the shots grazed her, but only one actually hit its mark, putting a bleeding hole on her thigh. Still injured from before the wound was debilitating, although not entirely traumatizing due to her tough chitin. Not wanting to end up as swiss cheese she quickly shifted back to her insectoid form and hatched an escape plan.

*Click* *Click*

"Dang it. I'm all out of gun food!" Max grumbled dejectedly, dumping the gun onto the car floor. "Looks like we'll have to do things the old fashioned way."

The moment the gunfire stopped, Rai tore open the side of the damaged train car as easily as peeling an orange with her forelimbs. Then with a mighty leap she flipped herself atop the roof of the traincar and began skittering away, intent on getting as far away from the insane Freelance Police as humanly possible.

"She's on top of the train car!" shouted Midoriya, having recovered from shock. "We're losing her!"

"I'll try to head her off, but there's another train coming down the tunnel! You and Max will have to chase after her before I can pass!" Sam stated, positioning the desoto behind the rear train car. "I'll catch up. Just make sure she doesn't get away!"

Nodding, Midoriya steadied himself on the desoto and willed his quirk into being. Emerald sparks of bioluminescent energies danced and jumped around his form in a brilliant display of light. Tapping into the power of One for All filled his very being with herculean strength, allowing him to leap gracefully from the desoto to the roof of the train car in one smooth motion. He landed with a loud clang, shifting ever so slightly to remain balanced on the speeding train.

Max took the high road when it came to train hopping. Despite being a rabbit, his leg strength wasn't anything to write home about. Instead, what he did was move over to Sam and was promptly flung onto the train car with little effort. Together they wasted no time in chasing after Rai.

"Slick moves there, salad tops," commented Max. "Where'd you learn a trick like that?"

"Not now, Max. Let's just focus on the task at hand," said Midoriya, a sense of urgency laced in his voice.

"Well, pardon me for trying to make small talk," replied Max indignantly.

"Small talk?! You want to make small talk after brazenly shooting up a train full of people?!" Midoriya snapped.

"Brazenly. Is that even a real word?" Max inquired nonchalantly.

"...I'm going to have a long talk with Principal Nezu after this is over" Midoriya grumbled, his expression was one of utter disbelief.


	9. Episode 8 - Freelance Firefight

****

Rai Kitigawa was nothing if not slippery. Even as Max and Midoriya closed in on her she fought every inch of the way atop the rumbling train cars, determined to avoid capture at all cost for she knows something  _far_  worse lies beyond the horizon if she did.

After a long series of back and forth fighting, spitting globs of acid at her aggressors, avoiding overexcitable shots from Max's luger and powered punches from Midoriya in return, she broke free from the duo, escaping into the darkness of the underground. By then the train had already come to a grinding halt, its metal hull marred with twisted metal, broken glass and bullet holes (that crudely spelled out ' _Freelanse Pohleece Rulzz!_ ').

Sam had regrouped with his two compatriots shortly afterwards, parking the desoto by the side of the train as the Freelance Police attempted to (and subsequently failed) to calm the frightened passengers. After getting assaulted to near hospitalization by a furious pregnant lady with her flail-like handbag and overly aggressive shiba inu, the trio opted to let the proper authorities deal with them as they redoubled their efforts to hunt down their target.

And it is here in the darkest recesses of Musutafu city's labyrinthine underground where we find our heroes diligently pursuing justice. Beaten, battered, and bruised, but not broken, they forge onwards spelunking the treacherous underbelly of modern metropolis with only their wits, weapons, and rapidly diminishing willpower. Deep in the bowels of the subway tunnels, they unknowingly wander into enemy territory.

* * *

"Sheesh. Pregnant woman hit hard," Midoriya mumbled to himself, rubbing his sore arm. "Remind me never to get into a fight with one."

"You don't know the half of it, deputy," Max groaned, hobbling limply along beside him. "Tell 'em, Sam."

"Our good multi-talented lady friend, Sybil Lincoln-Pandemik, was a force to be reckoned with back when she was carrying her affront-to-nature child in her belly. All those hormones pumping through her portly person combined with all the technical and impractical knowhow she had accrued over years of job hopping has turned her into an agent capable of banishing sanity blasting eldritch threats," Sam explained, curiously missing a few of his front teeth.

"She sounds like someone I'd like to meet. Though was it necessary to insult the baby?" Midoriya remarked.

"Trust us on this, you'd understand if you knew who the father was," Sam deadpanned. "If there's any takeaway from our beleaguered experience with the miracle of life during a potential destruction-of-the-entire-eastern-seaboard-of-the-United-States disaster scenario, it's that you gotta start prepping for your future fatherhood, Midoriya. Lest eldritch monstrosities tear through the very thin fabric of our pitiful reality and plunge all we know and hold dear into a spiral of neverending madness and tentacles."

"I'd suggest starting with stamina training. You know, if you wanna survive your stint between the sheets with all your gal pals," Max added. "Make sure to cover all the bases. Maybe they're into the really angry and violent kind of lovemaking, the kind that leaves you feeling anemic after. Or maybe they wanna do it with a dramatic reading of the works of Shakespeare in the background. Or maybe they want to tie you down and ride you like a hor-"

"GAH!? MY EARS!" Midoriya screeched suddenly, becoming aflamed with unbearable heat and turned bright red. Rushing ahead of the two he clamped his hands over his ears and repeats to himself a mantra of sanity. "La, la, la, la! I'm not listening! I'm not listening!"

"You're gonna have to learn sooner or later, deputy. The Eyes of Yog-Soggoth don't lie. Well, they don't lie forty percent of the time. Which is forty percent more than most precognitive divinations. Tarot cards? Bah! Only good for dead man's hand is what I say. Although I heard reading cracks in chicken bones ain't so bad." Max's mind wanders. He goes on listing other methods to see the future before Sam stops his idle ramblings.

"Whoa there, Max. Easy. Keep running your mouth off like that and we'll be here all day. And maybe we should lay off on Midoriya. This is something he has to learn himself," said Sam. "After all, you know how the old saying goes: great men do not seek women, they have women thrusted upon them... Or perhaps I've gotten my quotes mixed up. Hmm... Anywho. Let's get back to business and find out where Rai ran off-"

"Found it!" Max interjected, startling his companions.

He was pointing to a portion of the tunnel walls, nigh invisible seams in the rectangular shape of a doorway breathed with the dusty air of a hidden passageway. Under the dim lighting it was nearly indistinguishable from any stretch of dull gray concrete they've passed by before or after.

Near the base of the door a small almost unnoticeable scrap of fabric stuck out underneath. If Midoriya had the powerful sniffing capabilities of an animal's nose he would've made out small traces of Rai's scent lingering on it.

"Great work, little buddy!" Sam exclaimed as he reached down and picked up the fabric scrap. He held it up to his nose, taking in a hearty whiff. "Hmm... fancy perfume... fear sweat... dried blood... and the unmistakable pungent odor of cheap convenient store sushi covered in stomach acid. There's no doubt about it. Rai escaped through this door."

"That's incredible," Midoriya blinked, turning an incredulous gaze towards Max. "How on earth did you know there was a hidden doorway here?"

"The lingering scent of terror wafts from its seams," Max whispered ominously. "The people on the other side are afraid, as they should be."

"Wait, people? You mean Rai isn't alone in there?"

"According to the conflicting number of scents in the air, I'd argue there are at least a baker's dozen of baddies just on the other side of this door," said Sam, taking a few more sniffs in the air. "Although my sinus has been acting up so the number might be off."

"That means a loud entrance is out of the question. We need to be sneaky about this," suggested Midoriya. "First things first, how do we get this door open?" He turned to Sam. "Do you have anything that could help?"

"I might have something in the ol' jacket. Gimme a moment." Sam paused and entered a state of mind where he achieved extreme focus.

The world around him slowed to a crawl, blending into a psychedelic swirl of colors and lights that only a unique breed of individuals are capable of understanding. Reality as a whole broke down before him into its base elements. Formulae and mathematical variables raced through his mind at a million miles an hour as he slowly began to piece together the puzzle laid out before him.

"...I can't use that here..." He said aloud.

"...That doesn't need to be made radioactive..."

"...There's a valve somewhere that's missing its handle, and that ain't it..."

"...I think I'll save that for later..."

"...No way, it's a fudgey pop for crying out loud..."

"...Crass jokes aside I don't think lubing it up would help..."

"Uh... What's he doing?" Midoriya whispered to Max, a bit concerned for Sam's well being. "Is this normal?"

"Oh, he does that whenever he's in the puzzle solving zone," replied Max. "What. You and your little band of supers don't think aloud for dramatic effect?"

"...Well now that you pointed it out," Midoriya shrugged.

"...I don't wanna shoot Midoriya. I'm starting to warm up to the kid..."

"Glad to know where I stand on the positive spectrum of our relationship," he deadpanned.

"Aha! I've got just the thing," Sam suddenly exclaimed as he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out something, or rather  _someone_ , Midoriya was not expecting at all.

"Mineta?!"

Yes, everyone's favorite (or not so favorite) grapist, Minoru Mineta, had just been pulled out from Sam's seemingly bottomless inventory space like some kind of twitchy bulbous unicorn with no respect for personal space and plopped unceremoniously on the ground before him. The poor schmuck was still dressed in his school uniform. He looked visibly shaken, no doubt because of his experience trapped in a sweaty dog's (absurdly spacious) jacket for hours on end with no bathroom breaks doing a number on him.

"Has he been in your pocket this whole time?!"

"Ever since we kidnapped him in the hallway," Max replied a matter o' factly.

"Technically we got Nezu's permission before the kidnapping. Though in hindsight I guess that's premeditated abduction at that point," Sam clarified. "But let's not argue semantics. We've got a job to do."

"It smelled like hot moldy cheese in there!" Mineta screeched to his own horror, snapping out of his stupor. "Where am I?" his head darted to and fro the Freelance Police, stopping when he noticed Midoriya. "Midoriya. What are you doing here?" He quickly pointed to Sam & Max in a panic. "What are they doing here! What am I doing here!?"

"Calm down, Mineta. Everything is fi- sort of fine. You're in the subway tunnels," explained Midoriya. "Do you remember how you ended up in Sam's pocket?"

"I was minding my own business when those two maniacs jumped me from out the bushes! Next thing I know it the dog was shoving me into his pockets where I was stuck with the rest of his junk. How did he even do that?"

"It could be his quirk," Midoriya reasoned. "It'd make sense. Sam has a habit of picking things in grabbing distance. Maybe he shrinks them down for storage."

"Not really. I just have deep pockets," said Sam. "While this is a touching reunion, we still got a door to open. You're up you little grape ape you."

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?" Mineta glared at Sam. "Did you honestly expect me to help out just because you asked after kidnapping me?"

_*Click*_

That was the sound of Max casually pulling back the slide back on his luger, loading a fresh round into the chamber.

"...Alright, I'll help out." Mineta relented. "What do you want me to do?"

"There's a hidden door in front of us disguised as a portion of the tunnel walls over yonder," Sam pointed. "Just do your thing and we'll be able catch our quarry and wrap this whole case up."

"Uh, okay." Mineta turned and whispered to Midoriya. "They do know what my quirk is, right?"

"Given who they are, probably not," Midoriya deadpanned. He turned to address Sam. "You guys do know what he can do, right?"

"Sure we do. He's the one that can shoot acid, right?" Sam's reply left an uncomfortable silence lingering in the air. Midoriya and Mineta struggled to refrain themselves from facepalming their own head off their shoulders.

"...No. That would be Ashido," Midoriya clarified. "She's the pink one with horns."

"Ah, yes. One of your many future wives. She was very handsy in the vision. The girl couldn't keep em' off of ya," Sam's casual remark caused Midoriya to flush and for Mineta to grind his teeth in jealousy. "She wouldn't have fit in my pocket."

"Yes, because that is the problem!" Mineta bellowed indignantly. "I can't believe we got roped in with these two chucklenuts!"

In a fit of frustration, Mineta reach for one of his pop offs and hurled it right at the wall. Unbeknownst to everyone, he had managed to land a lucky hit on the hidden door's carefully camouflaged control panel, causing it to open with a metallic sliding hiss. The quartet watched with slacked jaws and wide disbelief as the way had been opened due to dumb luck.

Not that they were going to complain about it.

Without so much as another word the Freelance Police, plus one unfortunate tagalong, entered beyond the doorway with haste knowing full well that their long chase will soon end.

The first piece of the puzzle is within reach, all they had to do was grab and hold on.

* * *

The Freelance Police had stumbled upon an underground warehouse so far removed from the rest of the city it came as a shock to everyone that something like this even existed. Midoriya had surmised that at one point it used to belong to an older part of the city that had been poorly paved over during some misguided reconstruction efforts when the train lines were established. Whatever it was used for now, he hadn't the faintest clue.

But he did know one thing. Rai and her cohorts were involved in this somehow, and judging by the lengths that had been taken to physically erase its existence he had a fair bet that nothing good could come out of it.

"Look at this place," Midoriya spoke in quiet awe. "Jammers, leaden walls and who knows what else. Whoever runs this place is bent on keeping the heroes in the dark about its existence."

"There are crates everywhere. What do they even keep here?" Mineta questioned.

"Why don't we find out?" Max strolled over to one of the many crates nearby and slammed a hammer (the one he'd been keeping in his pocket, duh) over the side, splitting it open with an audible crack. He wrenched it open, sending splinters of wood flying outwards and causing the contents of the crate to spill out. "Well, that was a let down. It's just more of those fancy clothes."

"Not quite, little buddy," Sam eyed the clothing with curiosity. He picked up one of them, gave it a quick sniff and then began to tear it in half like an expensive napkin. "By Buzz Aldrin and the faked communist moon landing. That  _is_  a let down."

"Uh, why did you just shred that expensive looking blouse, Sam?" asked Midoriya.

"I'm no expert in the latest hip teen fashions, but I'm pretty sure most expensive clothing aren't supposed to be this easy to tear, even for me. These are counterfeits."

"Counterfeits?" Midoriya raised an eyebrow. "Why would there be counterfeits stored here?"

"Because they're our moneymaker!"

The lights were killed without so much as a warning. Darkness enveloped the whole warehouse and the Freelance Police were tripping over themselves scrambling to make sense of the situation. When the lights finally came back on they had been backed into a corner, surrounded by a dozen so of the nastiest looking scum the earth had spat out after a particularly bad toking session, Rai included.

Chief among them was one mean looking mother, a tall bald savage man dressed in ragged blue jeans and a stained wife beater absolutely rippling with muscle that have been inked with an elaborate dragon tattoo that seemed to animate with each minute movement. In fact, all of them sported a tattoo of a dragon somewhere on their exposed person. It didn't take long for Midoriya and Mineta to connect the dots.

"They're not villains, they're Yakuza!" Mineta screeched, ducking behind Sam.

"Ding ding ding! The midget with balls on his head got it," the bald man bellowed menacingly. "So, these are the so called 'Freelance Police' that have been hounding one of my gals all day. A mutt in a suit and some stupid looking rabbity thing? Oh, and I guess that Deku kid is with them too. I don't know how you managed to find us but is there a reason you've been messing with my operation?"

"Sir, Rai Kitigawa is under arrest, and we're here to take her in," Sam proclaimed.

"Yeah, so hand her over," Max added.

It came as no surprise to everyone that their rude request was met with a cacophony of derisive laughter.

"Be honest. Did you really expect us to just hand over one of our members to the cops and a couple of wannabe heroes?" the bald man glowered. "I'm insulted."

"We had hoped to end this quickly. But now I guess that means we're just gonna have to arrest everyone here," Sam turned to Midoriya, "ain't that right, deputy?"

"Villains, Yakuza, you're nothing but lawbreakers all the same," Midoriya's eyes narrowed. "I'd suggest you'd all come quietly. You don't know what we're capable of."

"Ha! You'll never take us alive!" One of the unnamed and unimportant mooks shouted an incredibly cliche line.

"Ah! He said the thing!" without missing a beat Max proceeded to let loose a volley of hot lead towards the Yakuza members as all hell broke loose. Everyone swiftly ducked into cover, flinching at the unbridled insanity that a rabbit with a gun could unleash in such a short period of time. As he provided more than necessary covering fire, the remaining three of the team huddled together to strategize.

"Max is insane!" Mineta cried.

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know," Midoriya quipped humorlessly.

"While Max distracts them, we should flank em' on the right!" Sam shouted over the gunfire.

"Good Idea! Go for nonlethal only! The more we bring in the more we can question them for information!" Midoriya shouted back.

"Assuming Max doesn't kill em' first!" Sam then reached into his coat and pulled out an odd looking gun. It looked to be made of white plastic and had an open top for ammo to go in that reeked of onions. "With this Boscotech tear gas grenade launcher, we should be able to pacify them witho- Hey! Where's all the ammo?" He peered into the top loader and frowned at the lack of onions in the launcher. "Max! Where'd the ammo for the grenade launcher go!"

"I got hungry during the trip here and snacked on them. Probably should've told you before this firefight started," Max yelled back in reply.

"Darn it. I guess I'm empty. Say, do any of you two know where I can find some other bulbous projectile to launch at them?"

Almost instinctively Midoriya turned his head over to Mineta who shrank under his gaze.

"What? Oh, right," was all Mineta could mutter.

* * *

By some divine miracle Max had ran out of bullets and began tackling the Yakuza mano-a-mano alongside Midoriya. He was a scrappy little psycho. Supporting them from behind a toppled over stack of crates were Sam and Mineta, the latter of which was deftly feeding his pop offs into Sam's grenade launcher. Sam's impressive aim was precise enough to stop the baddies in their tracks, sticking them to the wall like the poor cocooned victims of xenomorphs.

The combined effort of Max and Midoriya in front and Mineta and Sam in the back slowly but surely overwhelmed the overconfident gangsters.

After knocking the teeth out of his eigth Yakuza member, Midoriya and Max found themselves without anyone else to beat up. The rest had slipped away during the madness while the ones that were subdued were either unconscious or pinned to the walls.

"Where'd the rest go?" Midoriya spoke with a heavy breath.

"I think they ducked into the back room," said Max, spitting out a couple of teeth. "What a couple of chumps. Couldn't even take a kick to the crotch."

"Is it safe to come out?" Mineta yelled out back.

"Not yet. The coast is clear but the rest are still here, assuming there isn't some other hidden door we don't know about," said Midoriya.

"Do you guys hear something?" Sam chipped in.

"No, not really."

"Are you sure? My sensitive dog hearing is picking up something weird. It's clacking sounds."

"I don't hear anyth- Wait..." Midoriya's gaze shot over the large double doors on the other end of the warehouse. "I hear it too. What is that?"

"...HIT THE DECK!"

Midoriya didn't have time to react to Max's screaming as the violent snowball barreled into his chest and sent him careening to the floor. But before he could voice his protest the ear piercing roar of automatic fire tore through the air as the doors he was watching mere moments earlier burst into shards of splintered wood and deadly blurs of white hot death. He could barely process the situation just as more gunfire banged on his eardrums.

"I will not be made a mockery of in my own warehouse!" The bald man thundered as he and his remaining cronies filed back onto the scene, a large multi barreled minigun and several other small arms (no doubt illicitly obtained) in tow. "Kill them!"

"Come on, kid. We better start hauling some ass!" Max hollered, pulling Midoriya up on his feet and shoving him forward. Midoriya didn't need to think twice as he grabbed Max and held onto him like some neurotic handbag. Channeling power into his legs he managed to dart back into cover with Sam and Mineta just as the shooting started again.

A veritable hail of bullets engulfed the warehouse like a swarm of angry bees. Crates and other obstacles were being razed into nothingness. Smoke, wood chips and loose scraps of fabric littered the air under the torrent of lead that ravenously ate away the Freelance Police's hiding spot.

"We're going to diiiiiiie!" Mineta bawled.

"We are not going to die!" Midoriya argued. "But we do need to escape."

"Uh uh. Not with that lead storm brewing out there, deputy. One wrong step and you'll have a promising new career as garden mulch pushing up daisies," said Max.

"Well we can't just stay here, we're running out of cover!"

"What we need is some breathing room," suggested Sam, strangely calm given the circumstances. "Max, the  _can o' nuts_!"

"One can o' nuts coming up, Sam!" Max reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small unassuming can of nuts. He popped the lid open and placed it on the ground. "Alright everybody, hop in."

Midoriya and MIneta had a look of incredulity on their faces. The latter spoke out, "you seriously can't expect us to fit in ther-"

"Just get in the damned can!" Max threatened.

"Alright! Alright! Just be cool," Mineta didn't think much at first, humoring the ravings of a psychotic rabbit by approaching the can o' nuts. But then, he felt it. A strong pulling sensation tugging at his being. It was swift, yanking him forward with incredible force before he found himself being sucked into the can through some unknown means. "Whoa, whoa! What the hec-!"

"Mineta!" Midoriya cried before he too fell victim to the otherworldly force of the tin can, sucking him in like a dust bunny before a mighty vacuum cleaner. "Aaaaaaaaaah!"

"Guess it's our turn now. See ya inside, Max!" Sam wasted no time in jumping into the can, followed by Max. As the two disappeared from view, a bright flash of light signalled their departure as the lid psychically sealed itself back atop the can.

As the gunfire raged outside, our heroes remain safe from harm within an artifact of incredible psychic might that just so happens to be a gag can of nuts.

Their story will continue once the shooting stops.


	10. Episode 9 - Guantanamo Spa Treatment

The dust finally settled after a mad minute of nonstop automatic fire consumed the whole of the warehouse and the illicit wares stored there. The noisy clatter of ejected shell casings hitting the floor and thunderous explosive discharge of the guns was soon replaced with a deathly silence, further punctuated by the rank odor of gunsmoke permeating throughout the air.

The lower floor of the warehouse was all but decimated. Once full of humble crates, scaffolding and moving equipment everything in the line of fire had been reduced to a pitiful shred of its former existence. Scraps of wood, metal and cheap fabrics of varying sizes littered the floor in messy heaps. Unless some sort of miracle was pulled nothing could've survived getting perforated with such incredible firepower at short range.

But this is a world where quirks rule. Miracles do happen, more often than the Yakuza members are willing to lower their guard for.

Cautiously, the bald man and his goons surveyed the destruction, hoping that the nosey intruders had become apart of it.

A good few minutes were spent sifting through the heaps. Curiously, there were no bodies. Not even shreds of one. By all rights there should be a bloody patch somewhere in the middle of the room that used to be a dog, a rabbit and two stupid kids in way over their heads. But there was nothing to be found.

"I don't like this..." the bald man muttered, tightening his grip on his minigun. "Where'd they go."

"Hey," a mook spoke up, holding something in his hand. "Did somebody leave a can of nuts here before we shot the place up?" He absently shook the can. It didn't rattle. Rather, it started screaming. Quietly at first before the volume rose to a crescendo that made the gangsters break out into a cold sweat.

"deeeeeeeeleWAAAAAAREEEEEEEE!"

"Oh, no."

" **SMAAAAAAAAAASH!** "

The lid of the can opened with a sinister pop and a supercharged gloved fist erupted from it with all the furious intensity of a bullet train. The fist collided against the poor mook's nose with a resounding crack, caving it in, knocking the schmuck off his feet and sending him flying backwards at mach one where he crashed into another one of unfortunate pals.

Izuku Midoriya, the hero known by many as Deku, inheritor of One for All, son of Inko Midoriya, proud owner of the largest collection of All Might and other miscellaneous hero memorabilia in all of Japan (and possibly the world), sprang forth from the unassuming can o' nuts still posed in his punch as he heroically appeared wreathed in crackling green bioenergies. He landed with a graceful thump atop the rubble, fists at the ready.

"Evildoers bewares, I am here!" Midoriya bellowed triumphantly.

"He's still alive?! Plug him!" The bald man yelled as he began spinning up his minigun. However, several purple balls launched themselves from out of the can as he attempted to do so, sticking onto the many barrels of the weapon. The annoyingly sticky pop offs gummed up the rotation of the gun, jamming it. The man grunted with frustration as he tried to pull the balls off, yelling a curse as his free hand became adhered to one.

From out of the can o' nuts came Minoru Mineta, the hero known as Grape Juice. Yuuei's resident pervert and surprisingly capable (if somewhat cowardly) hero-in-training. He appears in a flash of light beside Midoriya, balls in each hand.

"Feast upon the grapes of wrath!" Mineta quipped, turning over to face Midoriya. "Whaddaya think? I've been workshopping that catchphrase on that line for a while now."

"Eh, I'll be honest. It's a million times better than  _prepare to get graped_ ," replied Midoriya.

"I just wish I had my costume with me. All my support gear's on it."

"Dammit, someone shoot them!" the bald man roared furiously. His remaining two goons raised their weapons and took aim, only for another set of gunshots to fling the damaged weapons from out of their hands.

"Not so fast buckaroos," said Sam as he and Max reappeared from out of the can o' nuts. "Keep those hands where I can see them." The mooks fearfully complied with his demands and raised their hands in surrender. "That's what I wanna see." He turns to face the bald man. Both he and Max have him at gunpoint, the look in their eyes dared him to do something stupid. "Your move, creep."

The bald man scowled at the quartet for a moment before lowering his arms. He had chosen to accept defeat.

* * *

Our heroes wasted no time in rounding in the baddies. Tying them up was the easy part seeing as there were some leftover chains nearby that had been used to hold the crates together. The hard part was removing all the pop offs that clung to them. Once they had been properly secured Midoriya pulled back and dusted his hands off before turning to admire his handiwork.

"There. That oughta hold them," said Midoriya. "I gotta say, even after being an accessory to Sam & Max engaging in destruction of public property and reckless human endangerment, this entire operation has been a complete success."

"I guess we've both had a crazy day. We better get some brownie points for the online rookies listings after suffering through all this," Mineta grumbled, stretching his fatigued limbs. "Man, I can't wait to get back to the dorms and crash on my bed."

"Me too," Midoriya groaned, clutching at his side. "Soon as I get back from the infirmary."

"Yo. Deputy, grape ape," Max called. "We're about to question the prisoners, swing on by will ya. The fun's about to start." Rolling their eyes, Midoriya and Mineta limped their way over to Sam & Max's side. They looked over the gangsters, feeling a hole being burned into their chest from the heated glares they were receiving.

Rai Kitigawa sat amongst them, looking like she'd been run through a tornado. Her destroyed clothing displayed more of her repulsive insectoid chitin and a dragon etched on the side of her right arm. But they didn't pay any heed to her. She was just another cog in the machine. The bald man faced them with authority and ruthlessness, clear signs of a leader. He was the one they wanted information out of.

"Alright, chrome dome," Sam began, straightening out his tie.

"The name's Manji," the bald man grunted. "Lead Wind Manji of the Yakuza. And don't you forget it!"

" _Mister_  Manji," Sam continued, undeterred by death glare Manji was giving for calling him mister. "Your little crew of gangsters are done for. Now, for the sake of expediency I'd suggest you'd start answering some questions of mine." He returned Manji's death glare with a steely gaze of his own, the kind that told him he wasn't playing the good cop anymore.

"Now, listen here and listen good, because I'm only going to say this  _once_. I know you and your merry little band of gangsters are involved with the recent kidnappings around Musutafu City. I know the clothing store set up at the shopping center was just a front for your operation. I know you've utilized hypnosis to achieve that goal. What I want to know is the  _what_ , the  _who_  and the  _why_. I want to know how deep this rabbit hole goes."

Manji spat at him in defiance, the loogie landing at the tips of Sam's exposed feet. "Get stuffed you stinkin' mutt. The hell makes you think I'm gonna talk? You pigs can't make me say anything and if you think I can't handle this legally then you've got another thing coming. You're gonna regret screwing with the Yakuza!"

"I'm afraid he's right, Sam," said Midoriya, stepping in. "We've done our job, now it's time for the police to do theirs."

"Oh, I'm sure they're counting on it, Midoriya," Sam rebutted. "Organized crime and law go hand in hand, whether you want to believe otherwise. The moment you let them into police custody is the moment you start playing the waiting game. We don't have that kind of time." He turned to Midoriya with a smirk. "Which is why we're going to handle this our way."

"And what do you suppose we do?" Midoriya asked.

He regretted asking ten minutes later, although not entirely.

* * *

"You can't do this to me, I have rights! Oof!"

"Aw, it's cute he thinks we should treat him like a human with dignity and respect and not some kind of mangy animal with rabies that needs to be put out of its misery with bludgeons."

Manji let out an agonized scream as a tire iron collided with his lower ribs, cracking it like a wishbone. The second hit, a baseball bat to the stomach, took the air out of his lungs and trapped the scream in his strained throat.

Lead Wind Manji, once a fierce Yakuza lieutenant feared by many in the criminal underworld, hung helplessly upside down from one of the warehouse's scaffolding by a length of chain. His hands and feet had been bound and he was all but helpless being on the receiving end of Sam & Max's  _Guantanamo spa treatment_ , which for those not familiar with slang is a fancy way of saying cold blooded  _torture_.

His beatings were being carried out in an eerily casual manner. Each swing of a weapon was accompanied by casual chit chat and hearty laughter between the torturers intermixed with pained grunts. This wasn't some abhorrent violation of basic human rights to Sam & Max, no. To them, this was what's known as a fun tuesday night among friends.

*Whack!*

***Crunch!***

"Aaaaaaah!? You son of a bitch!" Manji cried, face swollen and mouth full of blood.

"You gonna tell us what we wanna know?" Sam remarked, winding up for another hit with his tire iron. "Come on, just spill the beans. It'll go much easier for you if you do."

"How about you kiss my- Aaaaaaaaah!?" Manji let out another scream as Max brought the bat down the base of his neck, fracturing his collarbone.

"You're gonna squeal sooner or later tough guy. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt," Max rebutted.

Nearby the spectacle Midoriya and Mineta oversaw the rest of the gangsters. They did their best to ignore it and remain indifferent but could be seen visibly wincing every time they heard something break or whenever Sam cracked a terrible pun like ' _looks like someone hasn't had their daily dose of iron today!_ ' before striking Manji.

They know this is wrong but after the day they could afford to look the other way, quite literally. After all, what happens in a secret warehouse underneath the city stays in a secret warehouse underneath the city.

The gangsters however were watching with bowel voiding terror as their boss was being beaten relentlessly like a crappy meat filled pinata without so much as a care in the world. The Freelance Police's casual disregard for such trivial things like laws or ethics or morality or even common decency made them question who the bad guys really were.

"T-this isn't right," Rai voice her protest, trembling with fear. "Y-you're supposed to be heroes, right? Why are you letting those maniacs do this?!"

"I dunno," Mineta shrugged callously. "Maybe if we were both in a better mood we'd step in before those two numbnuts start escalating things. But you wanna know something? Today I've been kidnapped in broad daylight, stuffed into a pocket that reeked of dog sweat and forced to fight for my life against the Yakuza, all without a bathroom break! I'm absolutely  _miserable_." He turned to Midoriya. "What about you, how do you feel?"

"Awful, Mineta. Just awful. Like I'm five again after leaving the doctor's office," Midoriya muttered harshly. "I think we're both entitled to some petty indirect vengeance after our brush with death, wouldn't you say?"

"Hear, hear."

"Oh, I'm being inconsiderate. Do any of you guys want a swing?" Sam offered.

"We're good," replied Midoriya.

"Alrighty then. Now, where was I?" Sam set down his tire iron and gave Manji a once over. He was beaten pretty badly. Anymore physical trauma and he could kick the bucket. Which was fine, really. They still had thirteen other mooks to break, all of them were acceptable casualties. Losing one wasn't going to make it any worse. But Manji was the boss, he had to have known something. They were going to have to up their game.

* * *

"Ha! Giving up, eh? I told you I won't crack!" Man howled in premature victory.

"Cool your heels chrome dome. This is just the tip of the iceberg, because from here on out things are about to be a lot worse," Sam rebutted. "Max. Be a scamp will ya and go fetch,  _the equalizer_."

"Way ahead of ya, Sam!" replied Max, lugging in a large car battery and a pair of jumper cables. The mere sight of it made everyone watching blanch as he started hooking up the components. The ends of the cables sparks to life with raw power as Max sniggered wickedly. The eerie glow emitted by the arcing electricity gave the rabbit a devilish appearance. "It's alive. Heh, heh, heh... It's aliiiiiive!"

"Whoa, whoa... W-what are you gonna do with that?" Manji spoke as he broke out into a cold sweat.

"Something that should almost never be done," Sam remarked darkly. "You could've talked during the beatings, but I guess you're a glutton for punishment. Don't worry, we'll happily oblige. Just remember, this all could've been avoided. Now, get ready... to be  _sung to death_."

Max took the jumper cables and promptly hooked it up to a portable karaoke machine that was next to him. The machine hummed to life, it's dusty speakers groaned with scratchy pops from years of use.

Sam strode over to Max just as the little guy started scrolling through the song list. All the classics were there: Elton John, The Beatles and Sir Mixalot, just to name a few. They each took up a microphone and fiddled with the power switch.

"So, what song should we sing?" Sam asked.

"Rhinestone Cowboy?" Max suggested.

"We did that last time. How about some Elton John?"

"Ooh, I can never resist a song from that feathery fruitcake. Let's do a duet one."

" _Don't go breaking my heart_ , coming right up!" Sam smiled as he selected the song. He glanced over at Midoriya and Mineta. "You two might wanna cover your ears for this. Trust me."

Mineta and Midoriya traded looks but complied regardless. They covered their ears with their hands, earning a curt thumbs up from Sam.

"What, is this some sort of joke," Manji chuckled humorlessly. "You're gonna get me to talk about singing? This is a first."

"Oh, don't get too excited baldy," Max sneered as he cranked up the volume to maximum strength. "There's a reason we call this bad boy,  _the equalizer_. This is reserved for only the stubbornest of interogatees" As the volume knob got dialed up to eleven, the speakers began to hum with low feedback. Loud echoes boomed from machine with each testing tap of the mic, enough to make their audience flinch with visible discomfort.

Then the music began to play.

It started off softly at first, gently building up to where the lyrics showed up on screen. The moment Elton John's portion of the song came through and Sam opened his mouth things went straight to hell in a handbasket.

"... **Don't go breaking my heart!** " Sam sung.

His nasally voice mixed with the semi off key tone of his singing created an eardrum bursting sonic wail that rippled through the air like waves of pulsating daggers prodding at every cell in the human body. This, coupled with the annoyingly screechy feedback loop of the worn karaoke machine made it sound like auditory murder to all those unfortunate to listen.

"... **I couldn't if I tried!** " Max followed suit.

If Sam's voice like listening to a banshee screaming with a head cold than Max's voice was like the cringeworthy sound of glass rubbing against glass. His overzealous attempt to sing on key made it worse than it already was.

" **Oh, honey if I get restless**..."

"... **Baby you're not that kind!** "

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Manji howled, thrashing about wildly. His chains shook and rattled as he did all he could to futility dull the pain that tore at his hearing. It was like having several barbed needles inserted into his ear canal, slowly and all at once. It didn't take long that the temptation to bash his own head against the wall to spare himself the nightmarish agony evolved into a full blown compulsion.

" **Don't go breaking my heart**..."

"... **You take the weight off of me**!"

" **Oh, honey when you knock on my door**..."

"... **Oh, baby I gave you my key!** "

Mineta and Midoriya watched with eye widening horror as the rest of the gangsters lost their minds to the duet performance, and not in a good way. They screamed incoherent madness, frothing at the mouth as blood dripped from out their eyes and ears. Even when restrained they were hell bent on freeing themselves from their shackles and escaping, even at the expense of breaking their bones doing so.

Then came the harmonized chorus portion of the song.

" **Whoo, hooo! Nobody knows it!** "

" **When I was down...** "

" **...I was your clown!** "

" **Whoo, hooo! Nobody knows it!** "

" **Nobody know-owos it!** "

" **Right from the start...** "

" **...I gave you my heart! Oooh, hooo! I gave you my heart!** "

"You ready to talk yet, skinhead?" said Max.

"Alright! I'll talk, I'll talk! Just stop singing for the love of all that is holy!" Manji begged, his willpower all but in pieces by the utter bastardization of Elton John's beloved duet with Kiki Dee. Sam & Max cracked a grin at his surrender and shut off the karaoke machine, much to everyone's relief. Mineta and Midoriya took that as their cue to lower their hands and join back up with the Freelance Police.

"Tell us everything you know. Hold anything back and we'll continued on to the second chorus," Sam threatened. He pulled out a tape recorder from his jacket and held it up to Manji. "Speak clearly into the microphone."

"T-this is the truth and n-nothing but the truth, I swear on my drunk of a mom's grave," Manji sputtered. "It started a couple months ago, three or four. I can't remember. Our Oyabun had gotten in bed with some fellows way above our pay grade. They wanted in on our racketeering. Bootlegs, blackmail, contraband, that sort of thing. They also wanted us to do their dirty work for them."

"The disappearances," Sam mentioned.

"...We're involved with it," Manji sighed in resignation. "In return for providing us with materials, weapons and information they'd take a cut of the profits and the people we hypnotized. I don't know what they do with them, honest. They just vanish from the face of the earth once we're done waving those damned pinwheels in their faces."

"This isn't an isolated incident," Midoriya chipped in. "An absurd number of people have disappeared, not just civilians. We're talking heroes and villains too."

"...I don't know anything about that," Manji started to sweat nervously. "There could be others working with the same guys my boss is but I can't say for sure. They're real hush hush about it and don't mention anything to the underlings that don't need mentioning."

"These fellows working with your boss, do they have a name?" Sam inquired.

"I've only heard it through the rumor mill, but word is these guys call themselves  _the Hand_. Ain't nobody I've ever heard of before. For all I know they probably don't even exist."

"We'll be the judge of that," said Max. "Is that all?" he raised a brow, finger hovering over the on button of the karaoke machine.

"That's all I know. Please, don't start singing again," Manji pleaded.

"I guess that's all we'll get out of him seeing how unappreciative he is with our golden pipes," said Sam, pocketing the recorder. "Well, we stopped one counterfeiting racket, arrested some Yakuza and recorded some inadmissible evidence. I think we're done for today. Now we can have the proper authorities sort out the mess and get some grub because let me tell ya violating the Geneva Convention works up an appetite."

"Fantastic. We're now complicit in committing war crimes. We're not going to get in trouble for this, are we?" Mineta asked.

"Relax. We'll be fine. We got my brother's backing on this," said Max. "And if it doesn't work out we can always pin the blame on a patsy. Say, do any one of you kiddos have the number for that Endeavor guy?"

"That's not very heroic," Midoriya deadpanned.

"Have you learned absolutely nothing with your time spent as a member of the Freelance Police, deputy?" Max shook his head disapprovingly. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. You've still got a long way to go. In the meantime, let's go get that food. Max has got a hankering for some ghormeh sabzi."

"Uh, I don't think they serve whatever that is here," said Mineta.

"Well, what do you guys recommend? It's been a while since we've romped around Japan so we're not as privy to the foodie scene as we are in America."

"Can't go wrong with sushi," Midoriya suggested.

"Sushi it is then!" Sam cheered. "Any particular place you wanna visit?"

"Oh, there's a cozy hole in the wall down on eighth street next to the market that has some of the best rolls for cheap. And you get a complimentary oyster with your meal, you can't beat the value," said Mineta.

"Hey, I know that place," said Midoriya. "I usually get the salmon roe. Freshest in the city and they don't skimp on it either."

"All this talk is making my mouth water. Lead on, deputy! I will consume raw fish until I'm green," said Max.

"Ha, you crack me up, little buddy," Sam chuckled.

The quartet continued their casual conversation as they exited the warehouse. The prisoners being left behind couldn't be any gladder to have them leave after suffering through all the torment they brought upon them. If this was the future of heroism then the future is bleak.

"Man, those guys  _sucked_ ," Rai glowered.


	11. Episode 10 - Hungry Heroes

The sun had set on the Freelance Police's first day in Japan, and with it a small but crucial part of the invisible threat looming over Musutafu City.

The police had stormed into the underground tunnels en masse when they'd been given the all clear and subdued everyone they could find linked to the Yakuza and confiscating all of their contraband. Innumerable crates of illegal goods both foreign and domestic had been seized in the raid cutting off several billion yen in revenue that would've been achieved had any of the products made its way onto store shelves.

The numerous stores carrying the contraband didn't fare all that well either. Heroes and police officers alike combed the city from top to bottom looking for other establishments that had been complicit in the buying and selling of the contraband and putting them under scrutiny of the law.

The media were all over it in a matter of hours, with many claiming it to be the largest bust of illegal goods in Musutafu city since the great instant ramen raid of 72'.

Curiously enough all the news stations neglected to mention who had uncovered this plot to begin with, citing anonymous third parties to be involved only...

* * *

**Kani's Crab & Sushi Joint**

**Time: Evening-ish**

**Sushi: Delicious chicken of the sea**

**Status of the truth: One step closer**

Said anonymous third party was currently enjoying some much needed sustenance after a long day of vandalism, reckless endangerment and casual torture. Justice has been served like fresh sashimi, and our heroes, plus extra, find themselves relaxing at Kani's Crab and Sushi Joint casually discussing the details of today's whip cracking adventure as they enjoy their meal of raw fish and rice.

"Yakuza you say?" Nezu said between mouthfuls of rice, setting down Sam's tape recorder onto the countertop. "This is troubling indeed."

"Yes sirree, this rabbit hole goes all the way to China," replied Sam, his mouth full of partially chewed fish and rice. "Baldy there mentioned his big boss getting in bed with some other powerful folks. Sounds to me like the city's troubles are only just beginning, Nezu buddy."

"I was afraid of that," Nezu grimaced. He took a moment to wipe his mouth before continuing. "Still, the fact that we managed to have a breakthrough after so long means we can finally get the ball rolling on the investigation. There are still people missing out there and we need to do everything we can to get them back and punish those responsible for this travesty."

"...I still think this was a fluke," Aizawa grumbled nearby, picking at his meal disinterestedly with his chopsticks.

"Whatever you say, goggles," said Max with his unnerving gaze and wide shark mouthed grin. "Doesn't change the fact that we, the Freelance Police (tm), managed to do in a single day what you professional heroes couldn't in months."

"Part of the city is in shambles because of you, you frickin maniacs!" Aizawa shouted, pointing an accusing finger towards Sam & Max, hair raised in contempt. "The train line has been shut down and there's twenty blocks worth of sidewalk that has been completely decimated during your joyride. I'm up to my neck in complaint forms, bills and lawsuits, all because you two couldn't keep your destructive tendencies in check when you set foot off school grounds!"

"And you two!" Aizawa swung his hand over to Midoriya and Mineta, the former of which was pressing his ice cold glass of pop up against his temples to sooth the bruise on his head. "You were supposed to make sure these idiots didn't cause any problems to begin with!"

"Sensei, with all due respect I can't be held responsible for anything that's happened in the last six hours because I more or less got roped into this situation beyond my control. To clarify, Sam kidnapped me in broad daylight thinking I could shoot acid out of my hands," replied Mineta, taking a swig of his drink.

"And I can't be held responsible for anything that's happened in the last six hours because Sam & Max are complete and total lunatics that cannot be controlled whatsoever. So unless you can see things from our perspective I'd suggest you take a good hard look at the bright side because things could've been a whole lot worse," Midoriya couldn't help it when his tone of voice came out harsher than it really was, but who could blame him after the day he's had?

"Oh, lay off the boys, Shouta," Nezu chided. "Remember, it was you and the rest of the teaching staff who decided to pass off the responsibilities of keeping Sam & Max in check to the students. They should be commended for their part in taking down the Yakuza again because of what  _you_  taught them. Just take it for what it is before you go and pop a blood vessel trying to place blame on others."

"Grr..." Aizawa grumbled but backed down regardless. Nezu was right for the most part, the smug rat bastard, but that didn't mean he appreciated being sacked with all that troublesome paperwork because of Sam & Max's wanton destruction. "So what are they supposed to do now?"

"Well, I guess we've done all we can today. Max and I will have to return to the good ol' U, S of A later tonight," replied Sam.

"You're leaving already?" Aizawa tried to hide the stunned tone in his voice but it came out regardless. "So you just show up, cause trouble and leave, just like that?" There was a look of incredulity plastered on his face. He wasn't exactly the picture of professionalism but there was something obviously wrong about an unsanctioned operation gone awry with little recourse for the perpetrator.

"Don't get your undies in a bunch, goggles. We'll be back," replied Max.

"On the morrow to be precise," continued Sam. "There's something we gotta bring back with us if we're gonna continue headhunting the dirtbags plaguing this fair city. And we're gonna make sure they all end up in the slammer-"

"Or a shallow grave, depending on our mood for the day," Max concluded. "Bottom line, expect more Sam & Max goodness to come your way."

"Oh, joy. More Sam & Max goodness," Aizawa deadpanned.

"That's the spirit, Shouta!" Nezu clapped the man on the back, blissfully unaware of the continual look of dread that marred the poor man's face. "With them on our side Musutafu city will have nothing to fear!"

"Nothing to fear except for Sam & Max," Aizawa grumbled sullenly. "If this is our best hope, this city is done for..."

"Hey, you! The saucy waitress over there!" Max pointed, standing atop the counter. "Nother' round of raw fish, seasoned rice and seaweed! We're celebrating tonight!" Thankfully his declaration did not follow through with the prerequisite number of gunshots. That didn't stop him from terrifying the chefs into working quicker though.

After all, Max is always a little... rabid-t (I'm sorry, that was bad. I should've said something like 'Max is always on a... hare trigger'. Oh, man. That was so much better! God!).

The rest of the evening passed by mirthfully. The Freelance Police's first day in Japan was, er... moderately successful. The first piece of the puzzle had been uncovered, and the Yakuza were put off the streets once again. Midoriya and Mineta played their unwillingly role gloriously, and all is better for it.

But the truth is still out there, along with all the people that have been kidnapped.

Only time will tell if this journey will end in victory for our brave heroes.

For in the darkness,  **the Hand**  continue their scheming unabated...

* * *

Somewhere deep in the heart of the city, in a space between cold concrete and warm earth, the Hand conducts a heinous judgement upon one of their own.

A nervous set of shadows watched with great intensity as one of their former members stood in the center of the room illuminated by a halo of light; a heavily tattooed man with serpentine features dressed in an immaculate suit looking like he might wet himself any moment now. He was a ruthless Yakuza oyabun of fearsome renown, now he was at the mercy of the organization he'd pledged himself to.

Before the oyabun was the leader of the Hand itself, an enigmatic individual referred to only as Manu. He sat leisurely with his back turned to the judged, his features obscured by the suffocating darkness. Manu's exposed hand, cold and metallic looking, rapt rhythmically against the arm of his chair with a level of intimidating impatience that only a cold blooded supervillain could achieve from presence alone.

"Mister Mamushi..." Manu began, his voice distorted and low, "there appears to have been a...  _complication_  with your operation recently."

He moved his hand to push a button on his chair and a series of television screens descended from above on mechanical arms that lit up in front of him. The screens depicted several news stations reporting the major contraband bust in Musutafu city. To twist the knife even further, the screens all converged before Mamushi to blatantly remind him and his peers of his monumental failure.

"B-but, sir..." Mamushi muttered feebly. "T-the entire situation was out of my hands."

" _Was it?_ " Manu's response was curt but sharp as a razor, his voice calm as ever. Yet the palpable disdain in his voice made the shadows in the background flinch in fear. "You were so sure of your spies keeping the heroes in the dark, so sure of your untouchable status that you neglected to warn me about _them_."

The screens before Mamushi swapped images, changing from the news reports to unflattering mugshots of a six foot tall dog in a suit and a short manic looking rabbit with soulless eyes as black as coal.

"You could've alerted me of  _Sam & Max_," Manu concluded with a tone of finality.

"The American chumps? They're just crappy police officers," Mamushi defended.

"Wrong, they're the  _Freelance Police_ , one of the greatest heroic duos in North America. Nay, the  _entire world_ ," Manu clarified, his voice containing only the barest hint of annoyance. "The news did not report on it, but they were the ones responsible for your operation's downfall."

The shadows began to mumble between themselves. They found the thought of two slovenly Americans to be capable of bringing down Mamushi's near perfect operation to be complete nonsense.

"Know this, Mamushi. The Freelance Police are in league with the Hero's Association, and they're steadily gaining traction into uncovering our grand scheme. Your overwhelming failure and loss of status have made you a liability to the Hand's continued existence. And for that..." Manu casually pushed another button on his chair and the floor beneath Mamushi gave way to an underground lake. "There is going to be some _restructuring_  that needs to be made."

Mamushi let out a scream as he fell, only to have it stifled as he landed into the chilly saltwater. To make matters worse, he had discovered that he wasn't alone.

"Oh my God! Are those sharks with laser beams on their head!?" Mamushi cried in terror. And to demonstrate his observation, one of the sharks let loose a red hot beam of pure energy, tearing a stalactite from the lake ceiling.

"Wrong," Manu interrupted from above. "They're sharks with laser beams on their head who are very,  _very hungry_."

The shadows watched in horror as Mamushi was savagely mauled on screen by the various sharks swimming in the lake below. His screams of pure unmitigated agony echoed throughout the walls as he was ripped apart limb from limb, dyeing the cool blue waters in a deep sickly crimson. The whole affair took little more than a few minutes, by then the sharks had had their fill of human flesh leaving behind only bones and scraps of clothing.

"Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization does not tolerate failure," Manu gently warned the gallery, whom they all nodded nervously in return. "Good. Now that we've gotten that out of the way..."

A ring of light suddenly flashed to life and illuminated one of the nearby shadows, revealing them in their entirety.

It was a woman dressed in a flashy sequin outfit and fur coat. She looked like a supermodel in that she was drop dead gorgeous, with chestnut brown hair, hazel eyes, plump lips and flawless skin. All of this was complemented by the small beauty mark resting just above her chin.

"Miss Yameshiko," Manu gestured to the woman.

"Y-yes, sir?" Yameshiko stammered.

"I want you to nip this problem in the bud, preferably as quietly as possible.  _Eliminate Sam & Max_. Oh, and make it harder on their cohorts to keep up this investigation of theirs. Go about it...  _legally_ , if you will. I'm sure a woman of your talents and resources can achieve that?"

Yameshiko swallowed the lump forming in her throat and worked up the courage to respond, "I'll see to it that your wishes are achieved, sir."

"Good," Manu grinned in the darkness, " _very good_."


	12. The Enrapturing Epilogue

The street lights on campus had just turned on as Midoriya and Mineta shambled their way back into the dormitories. Sam & Max had driven them home and as per the usual response whenever someone sets foot into their high speed hellwagon they were left wobbly wrecks upon peeling themselves off the leather upholstery. It was a miracle they didn't lose their lunch during the trip, though they left a few shades greener than when they got in.

Regardless, their return was heralded by stares of pity and mild amusement.

"Wow, you two look like crap," Sero commented nearby, smirking as he lowers his magazine.

"Stow it, sticky," Mineta grumbled bitterly. "What the hell, guys! None of you even noticed I got abducted!" he loudly accused.

"Oh, we noticed," Mina quipped nonchalantly. "But did you honestly expect us to get involved with the Freelance police?"

"How cruel!?" he cried, tears streaming down his face. "I was a true blue hero today, dammit! Where's my respect!"

"You'll get your respect when you stop trying to spy on us every time in the locker rooms!" Kyouka snapped.

Midoriya sighed heavily, feeling a migraine come on. "Guys, can we not do this now. It's been a long day."

"I'll say," Kirishima whistled. "What happened to you guys?"

"What? You're telling me you didn't watch the news?" asked Mineta.

"Whoa, that was you guys?" Kaminari poked his head out from the kitchen. "Holy crap! You guys tore up like half the friggin city! Made Kamino Ward look like Sunday at the beach. Insurance agencies have been going bonkers calculating all that damage. You guys tryna bankrupt em' or something?"

"I-it wasn't our fault though!" Midoriya defended. "Sam & Max did most of it!"

"Yeah, we just stuck around for the butt kicking and mental trauma," said Mineta.

Kaminari shook his head. "Sheesh, those guys are insane."

"That's an understatement." Midoriya rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Look, we'll tell you all about it later. I just really need to decompress right now."

"You do whatever you want, I'm going to bed." Mineta grumbled something unintelligible beneath his breath as he ascended to the boy's hall.

"Man, I need a hot bath," Midoriya sighed and casually removed his gun harness. He then absently tossed it onto the coffee table, where the revolver that had been holstered suddenly discharged with a thundering crack, causing damn near everyone in the room to nearly jump out of their skin in fright and leaving a gaping hole in the drywall.

"Aaaaaaaah!" A scream rang from above. Satou came rushing down from the stairway like a man possessed, eyes stained with flowing tears of utter sorrow. In his hands was a cake that had a massive exit wound in it, courtesy of a stray .357 magnum bullet. "Whyyyyyy?!" He grieved.

Every pair of eyes in the room, each one as wide as saucers, turned to face Midoriya with a look of utter flabbergast plastered on their face.

Midoriya was justifiably red as a tomato as he chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his neck. "Heh heh, I, er... Guess I forgot to set the safety on my gun."

"Why do you have a gun!?" Iida screamed, still clutching his chair in fright.

"Hatsume made it for me!" Midoriya cried back.

"Why did she make you a gun!?"

"WHO THE FUCK IS SCREAMING AT NIGHT!? AND WHY IS THERE A FUCKING HOLE IN MY ROOM!"

* * *

It took some time to calm everyone down.

Thankfully no one had been seriously injured because of Midoriya's negligent discharge (unless you count Satou's cake, then yes, it was a terrible casualty). Cementoss would fix the drywall in the morning, so all was well and good (for  _My Hero Academia_  standards are least).

Meanwhile, Midoriya finally got that bath he wanted.

The hot water felt like heaven upon his aching muscles, and when he finally got out he took no time in throwing himself onto his officially licensed All Might brand bed, snuggling in his officially licensed All Might brand blanket and pillow set while wearing his officially licensed All Might brand pajamas.

Letting out a content breath, he began reflecting on his wild day.

The events of the day kept replaying in his head, and even in a world of superheroes and supervillains it was hard to believe that all of the insanity he'd experienced had happened in less than the span of six hours. Twelve if he counted the school day.

Americans were so different from what he had been told. He silently wondered if Pony from class 1-B knew about them, then gulped at the thought that she might also like him the same way every other girl he knew did.

The thought of North America being a hostile land of insane gun toting psychopaths hopped up on cheeseburgers and twinkies mixed with the thought of his disproportionately large polyamorous relationship was starting to make his brain cells short circuit.

Luckily he was jolted from his thoughts by the familiar ringing of his cellphone.

According to the caller id his mother was calling him.

"Hmm?" Midoriya sat up, his eyebrow raised. He picked up the phone and answered the call. "Hello? Mom?"

Almost instantly he was assaulted with near incoherent babbling as the poor woman on the other end of the line went off on him, sounding like a sobbing wreck that could barely string together a simple sentence.

"Wah! Wah, wah, waaaaaaaaaaah! Wah, wah, wah!"

"Mom! Calm down!" Midoriya shouted. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Wah? Wah, wah, wah!"

"What? N-no! Wait, how did you learn about that?!"

"Wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah."

"Nejire called you earlier today?... She called you mom? She said she can't wait to give you grandchildren? Well, that does sound like her... Wait! It's not what you thi- Hold on... Yaoyorozu also called you? She called you mother-in-law?... She said she wouldn't mind if she took my last name instead of the other way around? Well, that's really sweet- T-that's not the point! Look, mom. It's just a vision of the future. I mean, I-I... Look, I'll call you back. I promise. Good night."

"Wa-"

Midoriya instantly hung up on his mom before the waterworks started again. Good god, he's going to have one hell of a time trying to properly explain all of this to his mom. He wouldn't be surprised if he started crying too.

Feeling the last of his energy leaving his body he quickly slid back into his bed, turned the lights off and shut his eyes, patiently awaiting for the gentle hands of sleep to take him for the night. He barely got in two breaths before he snapped his eyes open again, greeting the darkness with a nagging sensation in his head.

"I should probably unload the revolver before sleeping..."

Sitting up he turned over to his nightstand and turned the lights back on, only to be taken aback by what, or rather  _who_ , had suddenly shown up in his room.

To his bewilderment, Uraraka, Tsuyu, Kyouka, Tooru, Yaoyorozu, Ashido, Nejire, Itsuka, Hatsume and Pony (well, that answers one question) were all in his room. Ibara was the only one absent, possibly because she wouldn't dare debase herself with such debauchery. They were all dressed in their nightwear, and he could feel his cheeks flare up at sight of them all.

The girls all audibly gulped, exchanging nervous glances with each other as they all stood stock still as a statue. They remained that way for a moment, blushing uncontrollably as they came to realize they'd become entangled with a blatant multileveled plot to snuggle with the object of their affection, only to run into the competition at the worst of times. Fortunately for them, Midoriya had chosen to believe he was hallucinating the whole thing.

"I must be more tired than I thought. I'm starting to see things..." He turned off the lights and was basked in darkness once more. "When I turn on the lights, they'll be gone." With a flick of a switch the light came on once more and he breathed a sigh of relief as he was greeted with an empty room. "Phew, I thought I was going crazy for a moment there."

He turned the lights off for good, passing out the instant his head hit the pillow and forgetting all about the revolver. He'll deal with it tomorrow, hopefully when reality reorients itself for him after having to put up with Sam & Max.

He slept soundly that night, unaware of the fact that his adventure has only just begun...

* * *

_**Meanwhile...** _

The girls all clung to the outside of the dormitory wall that was Midoriya's room, letting out a collective sigh of relief as they narrowly escaped having to explain their dubious presence to the boy of their dreams. The embarrassment of it all would've been enough to kill these hardened heroines.

Ashido had melted a set of holes onto the building and was using it as a makeshift ladder to hang onto.

Tsuyu was stuck to the wall, having secreted a unique viscous mucus from her skin to stick herself to it.

Uraraka had used her quirk to float nearby. The sensation was starting to make her sick but her endurance training had made her a bit more resilient to the nature of her own abilities.

Hatsume was floating next to Nejire, both of whom were lifted off the ground by support tech and quirk respectively.

Yaoyorozu had quickly formed an extra strength rope ladder and was now hanging off the edge of Midoriya's room window along with Kyoka, Tooru, Itsuka and Pony.

Together they made for an odd sight.

"Sooooo..." Ashido began awkwardly. "Wonderful night we're having."

Everyone nodded along.

"...I had dibs, kero," Tsuyu croaked.

"You most certainly did not!" Kyouka rebuked.

"Oh, like you could say the same," Uraraka huffed.

"Well, so much for snuggle time..." Nejire mumbled wistfully.

"Still, what are the odds that we'd all try to sneak into his room in the same night," said Hatsume.

"I didn't even know you liked him!" replied Tooru.

"Course I do. He's a gentleman. A real charmer. He Makes me feel special,  _wanted_." Hatsume then smiled mischievously. "And you can practically grind meat on those abs..."

"I still can't believe we all like him," said Itsuka, sounding rather sheepish.

"I can!" Pony replied optimistically in broken japanese.

"I mean, it's like Hatsume says..." Yaoyorozu blushed deeply, breaking out into a cold sweat. "He's sweet on us. A-and I like him for more than his body, of course. But you can't deny he's very... *gulp*  _statuesque_."

"Yeah. Makes you wonder if anyone else likes him..." Kyouka thought aloud. As if on cue, the sound of someone loudly clearing their throat turned their attention to the rather irate individual below them.

"AHEM!" Ibara harrumphed. She looked crossed. Though her features were usually sharp and resolute it was clear as day from her twitching brow and violently convulsing vines that she could barely contain her anger at her future sister-wives (not that she had already accepted such an inevitability. No sirree). "Just what in the name of all that is  _holy_  do you think you're doing?!"

"Er... You know, we're just  _hanging around_. Kero," said Tsuyu. All eyes turned to her in an instant. The girls just couldn't believe that she cracked the easiest joke in all of existence with such leisure. Then, someone like Tsuyu could say it unironically.

Ibara was shaking with fury. "How dare you harlots seek to defile innocent Midoriya's chastity!"

"Oh come on, we weren't going to do anything that bad. Some skin to skin contact here, maybe a peck on the cheek there while he's asleep. Nothing too serious. I mean, maybe Yaoyorozu wanted to do something to him but hey, that's on her," Hatsume replied flippantly. "You know how rich folks are."

"I beg your pardon?!" Yaoyorozu snapped indignantly.

The resulting conversation was tragically cut short as Ibara unleashed the might of God and nature by dragging them all down with her vines and giving them a long zealous lecture about chaste conduct.

Some bible throwing may have been involved.

Those things hurt.

...A lot

* * *

Aizawa's morning routine started out like anyone else's.

He woke up, yawned, smacked his lips, scratched himself, walked over to the window and proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs when he saw the massive concrete monstrosity that had shown up overnight outside the dormitories.

"WHAT THE F-" He cut his curse short and darted out onto the campus with blazing speeds, becoming absolutely speechless at what he was witnessing with his groggy eyes.

It was Sam & Max's half condemned poorly maintained office building, and it looked like it had been ripped straight out from its very foundations and messily planted onto Yuuei's campus grounds like an infant had tried and failed to squeeze a square peg into a round hole.

"Howdy doo, Aizawa!" Sam called from the window, tuning a banjo in his hands. "Told ya we'd be back. We just had to bring the office with us. It'll be easier to help with the investigation without having to drive across the pacific ocean every time. Guess we'll be neighbors for a while,eh? Say, how about a song to celebrate the occasion?" Sam opened his mouth and began to sing a little ditty as he played his banjo.

" _Ooooooooooh!~_ "

Aizawa collapsed onto his knees and began staring unblinkingly into the face of cruel eternity as he bemoaned his life. It was as if he was living out an episode of the Twilight Zone.

" _Noooooooooo!_ " He cried out in despair. "Nooooooooooo! Noooooooooo!" He began breaking down into sobs, keeling over onto the ground and curling into fetal position as he wept for mercy.

"Nooooooooooo!"

"Nooooooooooo!"

He cried to whatever God would listen, but all he received in return...

...was  _silence_.

_**Sam & Max: Mayhem in Musutafu City!** _

_**Season 1 End** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, season 1 is wrapped up.


End file.
